Only in a Dream

Prologue:

"Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream."
—Euripides

I have lost an entire world that never existed. The loss is crippling, in a way that forces me to my knees and destroys my reality. I know the world can be a terrible place, but I have never felt such cruelty until now. I should explain...

March 21, 2016

I lay with my wrists and ankles bound to the hospital bed, wondering if I should have listened to the practical part of my brain when it told me this was a bad idea. The ropes irritate my skin, and I squirm underneath them, telling myself that I'm making the right decision by being here. My mother had always said that choices come with consequences, some good and some bad. I hope the choice I've made is the right one.

The doctor approaches my bed, a man in his mid thirties who will be administering the serum. He smiles apologetically and says, "Sorry for the wait, Jennifer."

I nervously wiggle my fingers. I feel strangely exposed in the hospital gown I'm dressed in. "Don't worry about it." I try to hold in my voice a confidence I'm slowly losing.

"Before I inject you with the serum, I need you to realize the dangers that come with it," the doctor explains. He sits down on a stool across from my bed. "You will be the first person we're testing this on. We have no idea the consequences that may result from it. I need to know that you're okay with that."

I consider his words. Ever since I was young I had tried to figure out my place in the world. I remember comparing people to puzzle pieces. Everyone fits together somehow to make a bigger picture. I had never been able to see myself as part of that picture, always the piece that couldn't fit just right.

"I need to do this," I tell him. "I want to help you with your research."

The doctor nods. I can tell he's anxious to test out his serum, but also somewhat reluctant. The guilt shines plainly through his eyes. "Jennifer, you're barely seventeen years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. Are you sure?"

I nod. "I'm sure. Besides, who else would be crazy enough to do something like this? I'm you're best shot."

At this the doctor gives a small chuckle. "You're our only shot."

A few women dressed in lab coats wheel some screens into the room. Wires drape from the screens, reaching the floor where they wait to be stuck to my skin.

"I guess that only leaves me to thank you, Jennifer," the doctor continues. "We are hoping this serum will allow us to see everything that you dream. With that information, we might finally be able to discover why humans dream what they do."

Passion flares in his eyes when he talks about his work that makes me smile. Even though these might be the last few minutes of my life, I am odly able to smile. I believe everyone needs a passion. Without passion there is no purpose.

"Let's get this over with," I interject. My heart is pounding fast enough I can feel it's beat in my chest. "If it doesn't work..." My voice fades, not trusting my next words to come out strong. If I speak anymore, if I give into fear, I will go back to my life of waiting for purpose. I can't wait anymore. I imagine the strength inside me, floating through my body, and touching every piece of fear that's holding me back.

The doctor's face is covered in a nervous sweat. He removes a syringe of thick blue liquid from a box with a shaking hand. I close my eyes as I feel the tip of the needle brush against my skin. I can barely hear the women exit the room over the noise of the doctor's anxious breathes.

"Good luck Jennifer," he whispers. "When you wake up, we will hopefully be able to change the world."

I wince as the needle slides into my skin, emptying its blue contents into my system. The effect is almost immediate. I can feel my consciousness slipping away, mixing what is real and what is only in my mind.

Through the fog that clouds my thoughts I am able to hear beeping, and a rise of panicked voices. I try to focus on the sounds, try to make out what they are saying, but every time I catch onto a piece of conversation my mind drifts farther away. I only have time to hope that I imagined the chaotic noises before I slip into complete darkness.