Colours flash in front of me, swirling together on a black background.
I watch enthralled until a thought tears me from the peaceful past-time. Where am I? Another thought calls out. This isn’t the world, it seems to say. Another thought, why can’t I see? As these thoughts occur, I remember the world and the concept of seeing. Why don’t I remember? Are my eyes closed?
Thoughts swirl like the colours but not nearly as peaceful. I become aware of the rest of my body, the idea of time and something happening in the past.
My mind tells me that something is wrong, I shouldn’t be like this. It tells me I’ve forgotten something. I try and concentrate on one thing at a time but the colours keep swirling, chaotically now, to match my thoughts.
A thought re-occurs, stating its importance. Are my eyes closed? I should be able to see more than this whirlwind of colour. At this thought I feel my eyelids blink but I can see nothing but darkness. My brain is in turmoil again thoughts spewing forth.
Why can’t I see? There is supposed to be more than darkness, I think.
Round and round, again and again, the thoughts take over and I shift uncomfortably. My brain says I’m lying on something. Something hard and solid. What are these words my brain is producing?
I shift again as a conversation occurs in my head, one half knowing everything, the other half remembering nothing.
Crash! Something in the distance and the conversation topic shifts to one on ears and the concept of hearing. Another noise, closer this time and I’m urged to open my eyes again.
Suddenly only concentrating on my eyelids, I force them open. Still I only see black but it is easier to keep my eyes open this time.
Noises coming closer, my brain identifies these as footsteps. All of a sudden I notice another noise. Not a new noise but one I’ve only just noticed. A high pitched beeping, keeping perfectly in time with the thumping of my heart.
I lie staring into the dark above me as the noise of footsteps continues towards me. A creak, a door? A click and a blinding white light.
My eyes shut quickly of their own accord. A cool hand on my forehead, rattling in the corner. An argument with me again, Is it safe to open my eyes? The hand is back on my head, gently stroking. Another cool hand is in mine. The argument over and my eyes are open before I realise it.
Blonde hair, blue eyes, familiar face. Out loud, “Mum?” Pictures, memories flick through my head. Family, a younger brother, Daniel, Dad.
Then again and again and again, What happened? What happened? Thoughts saying that this isn’t right, there was something more I still can’t remember. Things that don’t match up, why do I think that something isn’t right?
A look around the room, a hospital room. “Why am I in a hospital room?” I whisper the words hoping my mother will hear, yet for some reason knowing she will not want to.
Tears in her eyes. “You don’t remember the accident?” her voice even softer than mine. Something calls for attention at the back of my mind, a memory, something coming towards me. But it is quickly pushed away where I can no longer attempt to decipher it.
I shake my head in response to my mother’s question. An automatic response, I don’t remember the meaning behind the action until after I move my head.
I feel like I have someone else’s memories being slowly fed into my head through a tube. The insistent beeping in the background catches my attention again and I turn my head towards it. As I watch the line jump in time to my heart, I hear the door again.
I can’t be bothered turning my head again, I feel so… my mind supplies me with words, sluggish, tired, exhausted. Someone calls to me, my name I think but it sounds strange. I turn and see my brother Daniel. As I see him I remember everything about him.
I think I must have remembered everything by now, there seems to be so much. Except how you got here my brain reminds me. Daniel speaks again, “I’m so sorry, Bri, I’m so sorry!” I recognise my name this time but the words he cries echo around my head bringing memories my brain is fighting to keep hidden from me.
In a car, talking, Daniel driving, he laughs, something comes towards me, big, black, closer, impact and the world in my memories goes black. Daniel is holding me in his arms so gently and I understand. I remember. “It’s not your fault.”
