long roads that lead to nowhere.

The point of no return.

I wake up from a dreamless sleep, later than I intended, I still have things to do before I die tonight, I have to make sure everything is perfectly normal before I go. 

In case you're wondering how I am going to do it, here is what's going to happen:

At 5 p.m. my birthday party will start. It will go on for another three hours.

At  8 p.m. the party will be over, everyone will leave and there will be no one but my parents.

At 10 p.m. I'll go in for a nice long warm bath, one of the simplest yet most tender pleasures. I'll slip into the white dress again, I'll head to my bed, and take as many sleeping pills as I can, 30 or maybe 40 or even 50. and then I'll go to sleep. 

I did my homework on this. Overdosing is one of the most efficient ways of suicide, it has high rates of success, so the chances of failing are slim, and it's not so painful either, I have to take anti-vomiting pills too so I could stomach it, the key to doing it right is two thing; one is not emptying the content of my stomach after swallowing all these pills and two is not getting discovered soon. If for some unusual reason one of my parents decide to check on me before I'm gone there is a chance they might be able to rescue me. That's why I'm going to lock my door, and if they decide to go in, a long time will be wasted while they search for a spare key. 

So as you see I got it all sorted out. 

By midnight I'll go to sleep and I won't wake up. I  guess death is not all that different from sleeping. You close your eyes and you're in a unknown place and you're not sure when you'll wake up. when it comes to sleeping it's a matter of hours, but with death these hours stretch into days and weeks and months and years, your body decomposes and then you're nothing but a memory in the brains of the people who knew you, and even that is gone after a while. I believe in an after life. I am not the most religious person, but I'd like to believe in an after life, because this one is unfair and cruel and rather pointless, there must be somewhere else for people to have another chance, a do-over, and maybe it's not as bad as this one. Or at least that's what I'm hoping for. 

The hard part which I hadn't figured out yet is whether to leave a note or not. As usual the house is as quiet as a cemetery. I wonder how different it will be after I leave this house. I wonder whether my parents will move away somewhere away from the horrible memory of what I am going to do, or will it be the final straw and end their marriage. I fix myself a sandwich and instantly lose apatite, I haven't ate a full meal recently, but today it is different. 

I go back to my room, sit at my disk and watch the rain pour, I wish if I could see it snow for one last time, my eyes dart to the cacti on my night stand, I wonder how the white flower will look atop of it, and I find myself dreading the things that I won't see before I go. 

I take a deep breath, my mind is set and I won't change it. I spent the whole year plotting this, planning it, wishing I could escape, but now I gathered every ounce of courage I have and if I don't do it tonight I know that I am going to spend the rest of my life regretting not going through with it. 

I tear out a paper of a notebook, I stare at the empty page for some time wishing if the words I couldn't say magically appear on it. 

Pull yourself together Raven.

I grab a pen and I start writing without much thought.

'I know that you don't know where this is coming from, I know that you think it's coming out of the blue, but I am writing this to let you know why you shouldn't be surprised. But first you should know that I don't owe you an explanation, you didn't know me alive and not knowing why your only daughter ended her life is proof of what I just said. I don't think you can understand why I did it but I'll try to break it down for your sake.