Suffocate

Chapter one

Suffocate - feel or cause to feel trapped and oppressed. (dictionary definition )

I remember when I was a kid 

 " Mom were are you going . I thought you was going to watch movies with me tonight. " I said to my mother but she of course said she was going out with her friends tonight. You see my mother was a heavy drinker and she loved to club and be on the scene .I was her only child you see my mom always left me home alone so she can go out . My mom wasn't what I would say the best mother she gave me away to another family she always had me with other people more the her . But i give her props because she always kept a job . I have a dad but he was never around only when i was an infant. Even during those times he was out slinging his log and getting these women pregnant . How do i know because i was born first and my two other siblings who we all shared different mothers was born months apart of me . How can a man have three new born in one year its crazy .  After my dad left my mom went spiraling out of control she had a different man every night . Some nights she would come home alone she would be so drunk . 

That I would have to wake u and nurse to health and take care of her . Do you know how emotionally challenging it is for a small child having to see her mother so low . Some nights when she came home she would beat me and scream and cry . I didn't know what to do i couldn't think . Now you see my mom never beat me with a belt she used her fist and all the strength that she had . In some cases she would throw skillets and lamps or beat me with a cord . The crazy thing is that it effects me till this day and I am now 17 years old.  Ever time someone comes near me i flinch or jump . I get so bad that even when people show me affection or want to hug me I jump . But this is only a portion of my issues . 

 My mom cause me the worst pain but she don't even know . Remember earlier when I wrote my mom had different men every night well one time one man stuck around . My mom fell for him because he was a famous celebrity from the islands he was real poplar . He had money he always gave it to me and always stared at me . i was only in the fourth grade so i was oblivious to it and didn't know much . Well one night he spent the night with my mom and the next morning she left for work . Little did I know this man was left with me I though I was alone . I was wearing my pajama shorts and a tank-top and on my laptop playing on Meez. He walk out the room with nothing but boxers on . He sees me and licks his lips and lays on the sofa that i'm on . Me being me pays it no mind Until I'm yanked on top of him . He says " i;m just giving you a hug you look beautiful today ." I'm like " um thanks " and i get up and go back to wear I  was . So probably like 20 mins go by  and he is staring at me and asking questions. Then i'm being yanked again this time he not letting up he starts to grind himself into me . 

At this point i'm so uncomfortable so  I popped up and started grabbing my things to go in my room . He follows me and grabs me tries to pick me up. He saw it ass unsuccessful he then  starts grinding into me i'm trying to get away. He was stronger then me and I was only 9 my body was but so big. He then starts kissing on my neck and feeling me up . I'm constantly say "please stop please let me go. He starts to get angry and he pushes me on the bed I tried to run. Big mistake he then stars molesting me but right before he was about to steal my innocence my mom was outside the house knocking she had left her key I had never seen a man run so fast to the bathroom . I had to pull myself together so i went and opened the door and she literally said nothing to me and went in her room. I got dressed and ran so far away from home with tears streaming down my face.

Present day 

My life has been a complete hell I  fell like just downing some pills and forgetting life .  Life for Nivea means nothing. Let me tell you about these fuck boys I done delt with . i swear boys anit shit they full of shit and will always be shit . So like y'all know that my past hasn't been pretty so being with a man is like a struggle because i'm scared they gone rap me or put there hands on me . So there was Mike i dated him a couple years I thought this man was my All nd all . I was young and he was my first bf no body could tell me nothing he met my family my mama my ass was in love . We wen to the roller skate place and we was holding hand then all of a suddent he started acting funny .