Like Suicide, Only Softer

Part three

The next week, Gerard is allowed out of his room. It's only been two weeks since he's been in it, but apparently Frank was going so crazy without him that they had no choice but to let them see each other. Brendon doesn't know exactly what's going on between them, but he passed by the lounge earlier to see Frank in Gerard's lap, while Gerard spoke softly in his ear before kissing him, and Brendon was shocked to see that side of Gerard compared to the side that stabbed someone. He guesses that people you love bring out the best in you.

As for Ryan, well. Brendon's never been as happy as he is right now. Ryan makes him feel things he never thought he would experience. He never thought he'd find someone as fucked up as him, someone that understands him. But Ryan does.

Brendon's never even been close to being in love, but he thinks he might be falling for Ryan.

Even though they're both happy together, it's still not happy enough. And that's not something that has to do with their feelings for each other, because those have encompassed everything, but it's just that they both have so much underlying hurt and pain in them, that it's hard for anything really to make them truly, completely happy. Even love can't make them forget.

Brendon's still not eating. He and Ryan sit together every day, and Ryan watches helplessly as Brendon stares at his food with blank eyes, pretending to eat whenever a doctor passes. On the days that he does eat, he just goes straight to the bathroom and throws it all up anyway.

Brendon passed by the bathroom mirror with his shirt off yesterday and the sight made him sick. He kneeled over the toilet and threw up, Ryan running in to rub his back and help him up. He's getting weaker every day that he doesn't eat, and Ryan's begged him to eat just a little but Brendon won't.

And Ryan, he stills feels utterly alone, even though he has Brendon. He still hears a malicious voice in his head that he can't seem to escape, and he still has manic episodes.

Really, the only thing they both have left is each other.

* * *

It's Wednesday, and Brendon is at his therapy session. Dr. Clark is sitting across from him, waiting for him to talk when she knows he won't.

Brendon finds it funny, actually, that he's supposed to be getting better here and he's only gotten worse. The doctors haven't even noticed that he's not eating.

"How about we talk about Ryan?" she starts. Brendon tries to ignore the fluttering in his stomach at the mention of the name.

"What about him?" he asks coolly.

"Well, how's he affected you?"

For once, Brendon decides to give her an honest answer. "He's the best thing that's happened since I've been here," he says, looking her straight in the eyes. Her eyebrows go up, obviously surprised by the answer.

"Well, that's fantastic that you two have become so close with each other."

Brendon has a hard time holding back a smirk.

"I just... I feel so comfortable talking to him," he admits. "He makes me feel better."

"So, you've talked to him about your personal life then?" she asks skeptically.

"If by 'personal life' you mean the fact that my dad raped me and I'm bulimic and tried to kill myself, then yes," he says bluntly. Dr. Clark's mouth opens and closes, and her eyes look sad.

"Oh, Brendon," she starts apologetically. "I didn't meant to - I wasn't-"

"I know," Brendon interrupts with a sigh. "It's just, the only time I can forget about all that stuff is when I'm with Ryan. He makes me feel like a different person," he admits, having no idea why he's suddenly talking to Dr. Clark at all, let alone about stuff this personal.