Controlled

Please note: This story may be triggering. It is about serious problems in the world. I will not just be writing this story, but I will be including facts at the end of every chapter that I encourage you to read. It might be a definition, an example, a statistic, but it will be something that is factual. This is a bit of a spoiler, but I find it important to be said just in case you don't know how this could be triggering. This story does include eating disorders, body dismorphic disorder, low self esteem, and self harm. If you think this may be triggering for you, please do not start reading. I do not want you to harm yourself over this, or anything for that matter. If you ever want to talk about anything, I'm always here for you. Chat or PM, I will answer and I will try my best to help you. Stay strong, it will get better. Smile!(: And remember, I'm here for you whenever, if you ever want to talk about anything, I'm here for you. Eating disorders, self harm, friend issues, suicidal thoughts, depression, crush/bf/gf trouble, absolutely anything, I'm here for you. I love you all♥

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Controlled

                I covered my stomach in math class, attempting to muffle the sound of it rumbling. It was period 6 now, and my least favorite class: geometry. I sit in the back next to this cute guy names Nate. He was one of the few sophomores in this class, even though it was technically a sophomore class; it was just overpopulated with us tiny freshman. The class continued to talk about the different reasons for the current proof we were working on. The proof made absolutely no sense to me. Prove that <x=<y if given <z=<w.

                Once again my stomach growled, as I did not eat lunch the period before due to several reasons. “Eat something, woman. I don’t want to have to listen to that, even if I don’t care about paying attention in this useless class”. He offered me his bag of potato chips, but I politely declined, giving off a poor excuse. He shrugged his shoulders, and then continued to open the bag and devour the sour cream and onion chips. I looked at him, disgusted by his pig-like behavior. But then I looked at his body; he was slim and had muscles. It was unbelievable. He ate like crazy, yet he barely gained an ounce- I guess that’s what sports can do to you. Nate was a complete athlete, playing football, basketball, and baseball for our school team, on top of also playing recreational soccer, going to multiple different tournaments.

                We got to the last step of the proof, finally about to end the most torturous problem in all of geometry class. “Mikayla, what is the reason for <x=<y?” I looked at the smart board at the mention of my name. I looked down at my blank paper, not sure of the answer. I heard a whisper in my ear, and I just repeated it aloud.

                “They’re equal because they are corresponding angles”. She agreed and wrote it on the smart board, going onto the next problem. “Thank you”, I whispered to Nate, as he was the one to give me the answer.

                Class dragged on, but I paid no attention to it whatsoever. The next class-seventh period- was health class. As we walked in, we were greeted by a PowerPoint of alcohol notes. Mr. Greene talked on and on with the notes. I feel asleep by the end of class, needing to get woken up by the bell to signal eighth period.

                When I got home that day after an after-school session with my science teacher, I went straight up to my room to start on my boat-load of homework. Only minutes later my mom barged into my room. “Dinner’s ready, it’s your favorite! Chicken parmesan”. I stared at her blankly for a minute.

                My mind worked quickly though, “I don’t feel very well and food will only hurt it worse. Go ahead and eat without me, I’ll eat some leftovers if I feel better later”. That dismissed my mom after she quickly said “Feel better”.

                I ignored the rumbling in my stomach as I continued working on my homework. After another hour or so of boring percent composition equations, I went and turned on my laptop. I had a few notifications on Facebook: a couple likes on my clever status, a smart-ass comment, and a wall post from my best friend, Elle. The wall post was just a question about how many pages we needed to read of Romeo and Juliet for homework. I responded, then logged onto my Formspring. I had three new questions, all from anonymous.

                Why are you so fat?

                Dude, loose sum weight!

                Hey cow, moo!

                It wasn’t any different from the questions I had been receiving for about 3 weeks now. Each one was different, but the topic was always the same- my weight. I never saw it before; I never knew I was so fat. I responded to the questions, just stating that I knew I was not fat, just that they were insecure and wanted to bring me down with them.

                That still didn’t stop me from going into my bathroom and stepping onto the scale I bought just a week back. I had walked to the nearest drug store, which only took an hour up and back. The scale was on a good sale, just costing $10 plus tax.

                I took my weight, 121.3 pounds, and wrote it down with my other weight measurements for the week. I had lost a total of 3.6 pounds so far, but it just wasn’t enough. I was still eating an overload of food, and that needed to stop.

                Ultimate goal weight: 100 pounds. Or lower. 

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Anorexia Nervosa- Commonly called anorexia. It is when someone cuts back on the amount of food they consume. Most likely someone will not eat unless they are forced to. This can cause malnutrition. Anorexia can cause a lot of harmful effects, including heart problems. A woman can possibly go infertile since they are not getting the nutrients they need. Women can go through amenorrhea [absense of menstruation]. The effects are harmful and they are not worth it. You will feel sick if you eat anything after not eating for a while, you can dry heave, you can get really light headed and not feel well easily. Anorexia should never be the way to lose weight. It is completely unhealthy and will only make you worse off since as soon as you start to eat again, you gain back all the weight you lost, plus more. It's not worth it. 

If you are anorexic or are thinking about going anorexic, please talk to me and let me help you. I love you, and I don't want you to go through that. Stay strong♥