Just For Me

Chapter 32

There are, believe it or not, choices Karma's proud of.

Choosing Amy, for one. Recent events notwithstanding (and yes, those are mostly her fault and yes, she knows that and yes, she knows planning to meet Amy's father in secret after those recent events is probably not going to land on her top ten list of good choices or help fix anything but it's a choice between that and trying to tell Amy he's back so, really, it's no fucking choice at all) no choice she's ever made has felt so right or brought her so much joy.

The last few weeks (or months or whatever) have sucked, they've sucked out fucking loud, but she wouldn't trade all the years before them for anything in the world. Even if this really is the end - and Karma can't quite get herself to believe it is - it was all worth it.

Amy was worth it.

Finally. Something she and Reagan can agree on.

Dumping Liam is right up there too at the top of the list too, even if she's not entirely sure she actually did it or if he sorta dumped himself (what with the outing Lauren and the sleeping with Amy and the general being him of it all), but either way it's done and she's not going back on it, so she's totally counting it, though she does regret - just a little - that it was Lauren that kicked him in his little Liam and not her. And then there was Tommy and she was the one to kick him in his little Liam (and yup, that's totally the terms she's using for all dicks from now on) and she's actually really proud of that one.

He had it coming. And Amy saw it and so, at least in one way - a very ball kicking and abstract and not really saying the words because right now words won't work for them way - Amy knows.

Karma's sorry.

Someday, Karma hopes, 'sorry' will mean something, though she understands all too well that someday is not today and probably not tomorrow or even the day after, but she keeps reminding herself that there's a decade behind them.

And all the time in the world in front of them.

There are those choices, and a few others along the way, that she's proud of. And then there's the last week. Or maybe - if she's being honest - the last few months, at least most of them, at least every moment that had something to do with faking it or with breaking Amy's heart or with flaunting Liam in front of her (even if she didn't mean to do that) and definitely every single moment that involved Reagan, except maybe the last one.

I think she understands. And so do I.

Yeah. That was a good one. In that one moment, Karma understood - maybe for the first time - what Amy had done for her, what she had given up when she gave her and Liam her blessing, and how much that had hurt and, oddly enough, how good it had felt. She knew, in that moment, what Amy must have seen in her eyes - the happiness and the hope and the, God help her, love - and how even through the pain, knowing she had given that to Karma...

She'd never realized how strong and brave and selfless Amy had been in that moment and so, yeah, Karma thought of that moment, that last moment, with Reagan as a good one. Good for Amy and really, that's what matters. That's all Karma's ever wanted, more than anything, more than her own popularity, more than her own love, more than her own happiness.

Well... usually.

She's a teenage girl and that means she's gonna be selfish and she's gonna be stupid and she's gonna make choices she's not proud of. And there's a moment, right now, the tiniest of tiny ones, just before her fist connects with Jack's jaw (and there's a lot of that going around lately) when Karma thinks that maybe - just maybe - this is one of those choices.

It lasts barely a second, less than a heartbeat, not even as long as it takes her to exhale the breath she sucks in before she swings. It's gone before she really even notices it's there and that makes it like so many of those choices, the not so proud ones. Something she'd probably do differently, something she'd know was wrong and definitely not one of her better plans.