Dear Red

Sixty Two

Sensations cruised through me as our passionate embrace deepened. I began crossing boundaries that I had held in place for a long time. His hands had left my waist and my own were roaming under his shirt. It was wrong but it felt good. I moaned again and leaned up a little to bring our torsos together again. His hands slipped to back of my thighs while I fisted mine in his hair. Suddenly, his hands tightened over the bare backs of my thighs and then with an agonizing groan, he lifted me off him and gently put me down on the sofa beside him. My arms locked around his neck so I could draw him down on top of me but he disengaged them from behind his neck slowly and then with his eyes on me, he placed a kiss on each of my palms then put my arms down on either side of me.

"Tina," he whispered on a breath. There was tension on his face.

"Isn't this what you always wanted?" I asked. He closed his eyes tight for a moment and sucked in a breath.

"No. Not now. Not like this. Never this way," he muttered. His rejection stung. It brought me crashing back to reality. Darkness had fallen around us. We were alone in his home. This could go as far as we let it go and I had been ready to let him do whatever he wanted. He shivered and I brought my gaze back to him. He was rigid with tension. What had I done to him? I was instantly flooded with guilt. As usual, I was being reckless with myself and not paying attention to the causalities of my actions. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my knee.

"I love you Tina. I need a minute," he said and left the room. What was I doing acting like a prostitute with my close friend? I felt humiliated. My phone came to life next to me. It was my father calling. I picked up.

"Come home," he said curtly and hung up. I was staring at my phone when Ken came back in. He looked a bit better. His hands were stuffed in the front pockets of his jeans. I stood up.

"I need to go," I said looking anywhere but him, "Thank you for the movie."

He approached. "Tina, you don't have to go anywhere-" he began but I put my palm over his mouth firmly. I briefly met his gaze and tried to use my eyes to convey how sorry I was. Any moment, tears were going to start falling. I did not want him to comfort me. He needed to hate me. I had pushed him too far. Thank God he had not fallen. We would both regret it. I already regretted my actions deeply.

"I need to go," I repeated, still covering his mouth. And then, because I knew we would not see each other again, I put my arms around his neck and hugged him. He pressed his face into the crook of my neck and inhaled deeply. My heart hurt deeply.

"If I touch you, I might not be able to let you go again," he confessed, keeping his hands in his pockets. I nodded into his shoulder. I had done this to him. He was trying to keep himself in check but he was a man and his hormones were raging. I felt even guiltier, if possible.

"I'm so sorry," I said, choking on a sob. He tensed.

"Tina, don't blame yourself. I participated in this too," he said but I was no longer listening to him. I had chalked this up as another colossal mistake of my making.

"Good bye, Ken," I said to his shoulder and then I picked up my things and hurried out of his house.

*

Cold air whipped my braids around my face as I stood on the tarmac of Entebbe International Airport. Disgrace was written all over my departure and the pain this brought almost made me double over. My father and I had said all that needed to be said that morning over breakfast. This was my redeeming shot, he had told me. If I failed this, he had nothing left to offer me in Uganda or abroad. I had not talked to Esther or Melissa since St. Xavier. My only memory of their voices was when they confessed to a crime that I led them into at the baiting of Mr. Isingoma. Once again, guilt flooded me. What had I done to my friends? Did they get a free pass like me? A chance to start over in a foreign country? My mind drifted to Racheal. Our last conversation had been terrible. I hoped she appreciated that I had cut her out of the plot now that I was indefinitely suspended possibly along with Esther and Melissa. I thought of Ken who had probably been frantically calling me since I fled his house. He didn't deserve what I put him through. He was better off without me-and so was Alex. I could not be the big sister he deserved when I had so much growing up to do. He would be fine with Suzan and my dad. The thought of my father gave me pause. As I climbed the steps of the plane, I vowed to make him proud of me again-before I set foot back in the country.

I looked back at Uganda for a long moment at the top of the staircase and then ducked into the plane. Moments later, the plane taxied down the runway and soared into the sky, carrying me further away from my homeland. I watched the city fade until it became a speck.

This is the land of broken dreams,

Where wells of sorrow run so deep,

This is where my life truly begins,

Illusions are over.