it's such a simple word. but it's used for such complicated questions. questions that usually go unanswered. i have many questions beginning with that little word.
why am i like this?
why do i care so much?
why do people leave me?
i trusted you.
i was sure you'd stay.
but you didn't.
i want to say that i'm surprised, i really do, but i expected it.
i knew you'd leave sooner or later.
they always do. i'm simply not good enough for them.
i have too many problems.
hell, i am a problem.
i'm not surprised that you left. i'm shocked that you stayed for so long.
that's the thing, though. that's what makes it hurt so fucking bad. when the newer people leave, it's like ripping off a band aid. it stings for a bit, but eventually the sting goes away. you forget that there was a band aid at all.
and sure, sometimes when you think about that band aid, you can recall that familiar sting, but it vanishes. it's just a memory again.
then there's the ones that you got attached to. the ones you trusted. you made the idiotic decision of letting them become your happiness.
you got too comfortable, that's the thing, though.
when you're on edge, constantly having those walls up, when the newer ones leave you, it only hurts a bit. you had your walls up. you didn't let them in.
they don't do much damage, they're external wounds. eventually, they heal and you forgot it even happened.
but the ones you did let in? oh, babe, they hurt like a mother fucker.
it's like, let's say...
a heart transplant. before, your heart was whole, it was fine and dandy. you knew the rhythm of your heart like you knew the words to your favorite song. it becomes familiar. you depend on it.
then, when you wake up one night, heart beat irregular and almost nonexistent, you're in complete shock.
you trusted it. how could your heart just give up on you? how could it leave you?
then you're in the hospital, and yay! you have a new heart, but it's not the way it was before. it didn't have that familiar rhythm to it, that pattern you'd come to love so much.
when people you love leave, it's like a heart transplant. you might be 'better', but the scar will always be there. the rhythm simply is not the same.
nor will it ever be sadly, because every time someone you love, someone important lets you down, or leaves you, they take a piece of you with them.
you can never get that piece back, but you can attempt to rebuild.
even though it seems like the world is over, and you'll never breathe again, you're wrong.
it hurts like a mother fucker, but it subsides. just keep pushing.
