鄭浩錫
have you ever felt like you were being watched?
maybe not all the time, but maybe once or twice in your life, where you felt the chilling, unwavering stare on the back of your neck, causing a trail of goosebumps to go down your spine. and as you turn around, you find nothing there.
your eyes start to frantically search the street, hoping that you were just dreaming and that you're a complete idiot for scaring yourself. but then, deep down, you dread that there actually was something, or someone watching you, yet you couldn't seem to place a finger on it.
you turn back to your own business and once again, the feeling comes back. the unnerving, icy stare. but this time, you're too afraid to turn back to look because the feeling of dread has overcome all your senses and you start to think whether it's fight or flight. swallowing whatever bravery you have left, you turn, with gritted teeth, and nothing.
a small chuckle mixed with disbelief and anxiety escapes your shaking lips. your hands loose all its warmth and your mouth slowly starts to become parched, as if you didn't get a drink of water for the past week. a silent prayer starts in your heart as you stare back into the empty road. it was silent. not even the mewl of a stray cat or the rumble of a far away car graced your ears.
let me rephrase the question then.
have you ever felt like you were being haunted?
i have. and there's no sugarcoating to that.
all of those feelings and all of those reactions are now second nature for me. the shortness of breath and the slightly agape mouth, with still eyes, is now part of who i am. i sometimes wonder how i haven't gone insane yet. people already look at me like i'm a maniac and that i should be part of a mental asylum. maybe i should be part of one.
i guess the only reason why i've not gone insane is because there's always someone staring back.
the first time i saw it, i didn't believe it. i didn't believe the fact that as i turned to look behind me, there was a person standing there staring back. a ghastly pale figure, with frail arms and lanky legs, wearing a ripped t-shirt and shorts. he had a large overcoat hung over his narrow shoulders and a long sunken face to follow. he wore a fishing hat and as i casted my eyes downwards, i realized his feet disappeared right before his ankles. he was slightly opaque and he seemed as he was floating.
the first time i saw a ghost, i laughed. i wasn't quite sure whether it was out of incredulity or panic. the possibility of me seeing a ghost was something i never fathomed and here i was, staring and laughing straight at one. slowly, my laughter died as i saw him inching forward, his arm outstretched towards me. as he glided towards me, my feet started to pace backwards as my eyes widened. my brain switched to fight or flight mode as i felt the adrenaline pump through my veins. soon, i was at break neck speed, fleeing, running down the empty street.
when i got home, the awful feeling set in and the actuality of me seeing such a being sobered me up. i was quavering with fright and my hands quivered uncontrollably. my back was leant against my front door as i tried to calm myself by saying it was the fatigue that was making me see things but the terror was still in my heart. i trudged up my stairs, my legs starting to feel sore as the adrenaline wore off, like caffeine.
at this point i was too tired to even change out of my clothes or freshen up as i just flopped onto my bed. my energy was drained and my eyelids felt heavy. it felt like i ran an entire marathon when in fact it was a short spurt of energy to get away.
my mind replayed the scenario billions of times and i couldn't understand how it was possible. i couldn't believe it and i started to tell myself it wasn't real even though i felt the chill so vividly. as much as i wanted to tell myself it was a once off and that i was delusional, a part of me was telling me it was legitimate and the pull was too strong to not trust it.
my mind started to drift as i wondered whether or not he could hear me, or whether i would be able to hear him is he spoke. could he speak? i wondered whether or not if he could feel me or i could touch him or whether he could sense my fear and the speck of curiosity i had. i wondered whether or not he was kind or vicious but i would never know as my sense of logic overpowered my irrational thinking and pushed all those thoughts out of my mind.
my rational thinking calmed my heart and told my brain it was a once off. until it happened again.
