Getting to the Bottom of the Cliff

Chapter 12

     My mind thinks of Ella no more that day. It's full of other thoughts. Happy thoughts. I skip along the pavement humming a song that has a cheerful beat and is now stuck in my head. I let my shoulder-length hair swish free in a floating wave from my side-ponytail. It cascades from my head: starting thick and slightly brown at the roots, swaying down in a soft shade of ash blonde before paling into a shining platinum at the points. I play with the black scrunchy previously in my hair, wrapping it, twisting it, stretching it around my fingers, careful not to trip up. Even if I were to trip, it wouldn't spoil my day, not when it's a glowing almost summery day like this.

     I get tired eventually, an agonising stitch stabbing in my side. Even though I can't breath properly, that's not going to stop me. I'm running on this new-found happiness. It makes me feel alive.

     Decelerating, I reach the front steps of my house. In the sunshine, it seems to beam. All the sun's rays reflect and eminate off the clean windows, lighting up the usually dull green paint on the door. The door's open off the latch. I push it open, merrily cheering a greeting through the hallway.

     "I'm baaa-" The sight through the door stops me short.

     Mum and Dad are standing on the tiled floor behind the door. They're just stood there. None of them mutter a word in reply. There's one essence which makes this scene strange: they aren't smiling. Well, that's normal. But, it's more than that. Dad is looking down at the floor, his eyes invisible. Mum is stood closer to me, sobbing uncontrollably and trying to meet my eye before the next wave of her tears come. Even Dad is wiping his face with the palms of his hands.

     It's too strange. I can't get my head around this at all. Why are they crying? Why now? This can't be a joke. But there's no other reason, is there? Is there? Not unless something bad has really happened...

     They wouldn't play a joke on me. They're not that kind of parents.

     "C-Corinne..." Mum starts, her voice muffled with tears. I can tell she doesn't know how to carry on. This tension is killing me.

     Dad picks it up for her. At first his voice is only an unaudible whisper. "-died... Corinne... Ellis died." The words seem like acid in his throat. It pains him to say them, and I can't fight the fact that... that this is not a joke.

     But... How?

     That's the first word I think to say. But it won't come out. Words won't come out. They stay, just getting in the way. They stick in my throat, lodged there like shards of glass. They stop air from entering my lungs. They cut in so deep the pain is unbearable.

     Instead of trying to force the words out of my mouth, I let what I feel - whatever this confused, messed-up, sorrowful feeling is - flow out of me as tears. They run down my recently-smiling cheeks, dripping in loud splashes on the tiled floor. I don't hear my breathing anymore. Everything fades away to leave only the pattering of countless, harsh, soaking teardrops echoing through the hallway. I can't hear anything, see anything, feel anything other than this pain. This grief.

     He wasn't there. I should have noticed when I came home that his grinning face wasn't behind Mum. It wasn't smiling at me like it always does. He's gone. No. No. Just no way on Earth. I can't lose him too. I've lost too much already. My little brother. My precious little brother. I've always loved him. I took his smile for granted. I didn't treasure the time I had with him enough...

     I made the same mistake as I did with Ella.

     They say water is thicker than blood. Perhaps it isn't, but this feels different to how I felt when Ella died. It's deeper. Right inside my chest. I can't stand up from where my legs have deserted me: on the cold, stone floor. I shake and sob and cry until I can't anymore and it's taken everything from me. Cruelly, I feel another part of my heart collapse, give way, break. It shatters, into fragments of what it used to be, silencing the noise from within me. It rips me to shreds... I'm in pieces as much as it.

     Suddenly, I'm aware of the warmth around me. I lift my head to see both my Mum and Dad crouched round my quivering body. Our tears drip together into a darkened patch on the tiles. Our tears. They're round me, together, us. No Ellis, but it's still us - with a quarter of us missing. We cry together, arms round each other, supporting each other. Telling each other it'll be okay. I don't think any of us really believe that, but it'll happen.

     Gathering up all my strength that I've got left, I ask them how it happened.

     "If you're okay telling me..." I add on, sensitively.

     Mum sniffles, before nodding and opening her mouth to answer. "We... We went to... Hareview Cliff..." She starts. I don't need her to finish. I know how this ends. And it sickens me. Right to the stomach. "H-He was playing with his toys... wheeling the trucks around in the grass..." She sobs, placing her tear-stained face in her hands. "I... I thought he'd be okay! I was watching him, but..." I don't want to hear anymore. "He was getting too close to the edge... I wanted to... to w-warn him but... the wind blew and he was... he was... already too far away for me... for me to reach him...!" Her voice shakes and stutters and squeaks with the hurt of it all. I should never have asked her to do this.

     "You couldn't have done anything, love," Dad says, placing an arm around her shoulders, as if he still cared about her. But this is their son. Of course he'd care, even if he doesn't love her anymore.

     Mum nods. She know's what he says is true, but she still blames herself. I can tell that from how she speaks of it now. "He... He was already gone..." She finishes, almost as if to reassure herself. We all huddle together, drying the last tears into each other's warm comfort.

     Today went from the best to the worst it could possibly be. I head upstairs, and even though it's only 5 'o' clock, I climb in my bed and try to rest my reddened, swollen, stinging eyes. I can't rest, though. There's too much on my mind. He died at Hareview Cliff. It's Ella. She's there.

     I won't see him tomorrow. Or the day after. I won't see his face, hear his voice, feel his hand clasped in mine. All I have now is the memories. I won't see him ever. Not again.