Real

Honestly I'm more of a poetry person my self. I can write poetry for days, not that I don't rip it up and reread stuff and ask my self,"what was I thinking?" Often I'll look for a book and can't find anything I'm interested in. Honestly if I picked up this book I'd probably stop reading. It's hard to find a good book. I've alwaysed wanted to find a book about someone who's just being "real". So as that as my introduction.

I've never been the happiest person ever but I can pretend. Ever sence I was little constant arguing after my parents got divorced, sometimes well alot of the time turned into physical. One thing I'll never forget in unlike alot of children I have a twin sister that was there to play with growing up. Looking back now I can tell we kinda just ignored the bad things. When we lived with our mom when we were little you couldent find us apart. We were unseperatable, as we got older we grew apart. I wasent happy for the longest time I remember that. I just wanted "mommy and daddy to be together again". At the time I didn't understand that that was never going to happen. Come to think of it that probably where my depression started. And we'll if I'm gona be real I'll have to be honest, And open up. Going threw my head I'm thinking no one's gona read this anyways so I might as well put it anyways. So that's exactly what I'm going to do. So here we go.
Depression
As long as I can remember I was depressed but, it started early when I was little. As a young child I witnessed domestic violence, and plenty verbal abuse. When I was little I thought it was all because of me and sometimes I still blame my self. I'll admit it's actually most the time. I mean who wouldent if they alwaysed heard arguing. I thought it was my fault. One extreme cases was this very specific night. My mom's bf and his two sons were living with us and one son had a gf with a kid from another man. Well she wouldent let the father see her child. So one night he came determined to see his kid. They wouldent let him in. He had some friends with him to. As soon as he busted down the door I remember getting yelled at to go to my room. I ran up so fast. I remember crying cause I heard stuff being thrown and people screaming and then I heard cop sirens. I remember being scared to death that the man would come up stairs and hurt me or someone else. I don't remember much after that. I didn't care much eathier to remember. I remember my siblings would laugh at me because I had this HUGE dream that our parents would get back together. They just laughed at me. As a lottle kid your family is all u really have, because your friends don't even know ur last name and forget ur first. They won't remember u and chances are u won't remember them. So you need a strong healthy family. I remember my mom though counseling was the awenser to everything. We went to individual, family, and I personally had to go to fair heaven counseling. I still to this day have to go. If you have had thearopy you'll understand what I mean by when I say that it dosent help. Going to a stranger to talk about your "problems" isent appling to me. You see I'd much rather journal it down or write a poem, to express how I feel.

After I lived with my mom we moved in with my dad again. We did alot of moving. I have three siblings which I'll only give the first initial of there name. E she's the oldest ,D he's the second oldest, then me whom was born first out of me and my twin sister who's name starts with a M. there was fighting between us mainly between the older two. I remember E threw a crutch at D after pushing him down the stairs. I was terrified. E was very found of the word "bitch" at that age to I remember one time she smacked me as she called me that. So lots of arguing and fighting. And this is also where most the verbal abuse came alive. Being put down became normal.
At one point I was impatient at a mental hospital. I didn't make the best decisions. moved in with my grandma things were to much to handle. Classic teen right? Gosh I'm terrible but anyways, at one point I was just a mess two things happend that even tho this book is supposed to be real, I cannot manage to put in this book. There's also two things I can cause most teenager's struggle with this. I had a "herd" or "drug" problem it depends on how u see mauijuana, then a self harm problem. Which was also why I went to a mental hospital. I thought if I harmed my self I could make my physical pain worse then my mental pain and that would tell me things werent so hard it could be worse. It was stupid it only made my pain worse. I haven't cut in a while but my scars won't go away. There always gona be there. When u have a cutting problem when u want to feel pain ur at that point to where u don't care how deep it goes as long as u feel it, well I went to deep for pain. I have scars on my legs and arms. They won't go away. There gona be there for a long time. I just have to move on. With the weed problem. Weed cleared my mind. I didn't have to think or worry so much my anxiety went away. I got high and well until the high weared of I was relaxed. My parents eventually found out. Only because I told them. Over all in my whole life I've probably spent over 500$ on weed and I quite about a year ago and I did it for one and a half years. I've drank here and there but I never had a problem with drinking.

I look back and see all the stupid shit I've done. How many times I've been hurt how many times I've dropped to the ground and cried. I just sometimes don't know what to do. I'm lost.