Sex the Fangs

The life of a male vampire is glamorous, right? Let's look at Edward for instance - attractive, moody, super powered. He lives in a mansion with his equally attractive siblings who all have different, but equally as powerful abilities as him. He meets a girl named Bella and the two have the most manic depressive teenage relationship that ever existed, and then they run off and get married. When it's time to make whoopie, he breaks the bed and hurts her. Nice moves Mr. Sparkleskin.

 The reality is that he's made it harder for us - the real boy vampires. The ones whose gums burn because they have to hide two teeth while they're in school. Because of Mr. Edward Cullen, all the guys think we're gay and all the girls think we're sexy, gray pieces of man meat prepared to sweep them away and make their lives better with mind reading and glitter skin.

Alas, my friends. This is not true. In fact the already awkward experience of being a teenager is only enhanced by being a vampire. Standing in the mirror looking to see if your fangs have gotten bigger. Having to put on makeup occasionally because you look so pale people think you're literally dying. Having that awkward blood hunger in the middle of your third block biology class, and resisting the urge to drink the blood of the class pet. But that's not the worst part.

 Sex. Sex is magic for a lot of people. For me, it's life or death. It's complicated so I'll try to break it down as simple as I can. We're gonna have "the talk".

  When a boy vampire and a girl vampire love each other, they go to each others rooms, take off each others clothes, and make a point to not have any sex whatsoever. The truth is, having sex with another vampire is one of the most painful things ever. It feels like both parties involved are having fiery metal rakes clawing at our privates. The true vampire sex is something more strange -  and it'd not really sex at all. Its an intense primal and incredibly erotic feeling . It's staring in to each other's eyes long enough that we turn red and feel ways we've never felt before. Literally. We stare into each others eyes for extended periods of time and it's the equivalent of what sex is for humans. Weird right? Think about this the next time you see two pale kids having a staring contest with each other from across the room.

 Then there's the actual technical vampire sex. With the actual.. You know...the pumps and gears. The way humans have it. I'll tell you the details and tell you the problem now. If I don't have sex with another vampire in 92 days, I'm going to die. Sounds easy, right? Find a vamp, endure forty minutes of the hell that is vampire sex, and be done. Wrong. Because I'm what many teenagers dread being called. I'm...special.