Is This Me?

where to start?

I guess you could say that I was like any other girl, had a few problems at home but I was to young to understand anything that was going on. I was such a happy little girl that did anything she could to impress her parent. You see my parents argued over everything literally everything but that was a while ago when they were married I learned to block out pretty much everything that had happened while they were married. It was hard for my sister, aspin, and I, she was older so she had a better idea of what was happening. For some reason there is this one memory I cant seem to block out no matter how much I try. My sister and I were in the backyard with our cousins, my mom and dad were in one of their biggest fights of the relationship they had their window open so my sister and I heard all of it word for word my sister and I started crying a lot so our oldest cousin hugged us and did everything he could at his age to try and make us happy and laugh. But I can never forget that day, the day i realized I have more than "parents" I have Mark the best cousin ever

As time went by I got older and stopped being so naive about life.  Yeah I got older but I never thought it would go as far as divorce but that came eventually. My grandma and mom took me and my sister on a little trip for the weekend when we came back he was gone. I was so confused. I learned later that it was planned they took us away so that we didn't see him leave. But years later I half wish I  did get to see him leave when he left with no word, no explanation I felt abandoned, so alone.My dad left. Life went on I learned to accept the fact that I got to see him every now and then like once or twice a week. Things changed a lot for me,  I started not sleeping,ate less and over time I got this picture in my head how I wanted a perfect family like the ones on tv and I knew that would never happen cause of everything. I guess you could say from a young age I knew how to hide my true feelings.

When my mom told us the news I was honestly happy, we were moving to Chicago. In my mind I thought "new place, new start". My dads mom was not happy when she found this out is thought my mom was trying to keep us away from her to punish her for something.She went completely crazy burned photos of my mom and dad,threatened my mom, it got to the point my mom got extra security at mine and my sisters school cause she was trying to kidnap us. We were all so scared to go home for fear that she would be there waiting.We ended up staying at a friends house for like a month just so she didn't know where we were. Finally it was time to move. I was so excited, going to the big city, make new friends,it was an amazing feeling.But it didn't exactly go my way..at all.

We ended up living in the ghetto, it was scary I was 9 so I wasn't a baby but I sure as hell never experienced anything like that before. It wasn't all bad though we lived in a flat with another family, a mom and a son we became very close all of us we considered them family there whenever we needed someone.There also was this family across the street that had the same last name as us, the johnsons, they treated us like true family there for everything.I tried to be thankful for all of this but, I couldn't block out my true feelings. I felt so alone. At my new school I got bullied...a lot my mom tried to make it stop but it never did. At night was the only time i could try show who I was but even that had limitations  cause I shared a room.I felt trapped in this world where everyone was so happy found joy in the darkness, and here I was looking around for joy but only found darkness.It was like I was in a room surrounded by people screaming at the top of my lungs and no one heard me.