the problem

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As a child I grew up with my mom my big brother and the usual family. My dad passed when I was 6 months old, but I had his family to fall back on.
Back then I felt like my big brother was my moms favorite for some reason. I've always felt like the black sheep.. It didn't help that I was darker than both my mom and my brother, that also made me feel left out.. My brother and I use to fight a lot.. I never told my mom.. Instead I told my great grandmother.. She even told me to tell my mom.. Still I never did..

When I was 7 years old my little brother was born.. I wanted a little sister, of course. Things were okay for a while. Me and my big brother didn't have time to fight we had a sweet little brother to watch..

When I was 8 years old we moved here.. To las vegas.. I never wanted to be here.. Momma have me a choice actually.. EXACT CONVO..: "China do you want to come with us to vegas or do you want to stay here?" "I wanna stay.. I'll come visit you tho" .. Of course obviously that never happened. We moved here and here is where it all started.

First I felt lonely. The only girl besides my moma in the house. And she had to work.. Our little brothers dad his son moved in with us. So it was 4 boys to 2 girls.. It wasn't no weird shit Or nothing like that but I still felt lonely.. I mean leaving my dads entire family in one state to start another life in another state.. That shit kinda threw me in a loop as a kid. I just couldn't adjust or I didn't want to..
It really wants until I was about 10-12 years old when I actually made friends.. I didn't like girls out here there were just weird. My momma would say fast tailed little girls. Now that I'm older of course I know what she ment. But then it didn't really click. So through out the years I tried to be like them to fit in.. Talk like them.. Act like them.. And dress like them.. That tore at the bond between my mom and I.. Because I was so infatuated with wanting friends I lost who I really was and my mother hated that.. But back then I saw it as some much more than that. I was too busy looking at the big picture. I wasn't focused on what was right before me
Because of that I flunked school and was kicked out of my moms house a week before my 18th birthday.
Two days before my birthday I get a call from my big brother saying our mom was in the hospital..

(when I was 16 my mom had my little sister with another man. I baby sat here almost every day until moma told me I should leave because of my attitude and I left..) when I got to the hospital she was hooked up to these tubes.. She had had asthma attack.. Here brain lost oxygen for too long , they had her in a coma for about 2 days before they said there was nothing they could do.. My mom was suppose to be a designer.. She still had two children to finish raising..

After that I had a choice to go with my grandma and little sister back to Portland. But by now I had fallen in love and all this was happening soo fast. I decided if it gets to hard for me out here then I'd go back. But even then I knew I should be with my little sister. But still I'm in love and I want to make a life with this person I don't want this to get away from me...

Now I am 21 years old. Still haven't finished high school. Never had a job. And living house to house happily with the man I love and our dog.. It sounds like a terrible country song now that I write it out like this. But to be honest. I feel stuck.. Like I have so may goals for my life l.. I want to be a artist. A author. And or a bakery owner.. But me not being able to finish school is my biggest fall back. Since my mom passed it is even harder to find motivation. I mean my man is here for me me family is but there is nothing in this world like my moma.. Even my big brother is loosing his mind.. Not like going crazy crazy, but if my mother was here she definitely would not be happy.. Not to say she would be happy with me either. But it's not like I like my life this way.. I fucking hate. I think of my self as a looser. Stuck in a loosers place. Like I can't get out of that funk.. It feels like a curse. Like because I treated the only person that has ever been there for me the way I did I'm stuck treating anyone that I will ever love the same way. Its sick to me. Like I don't want to be like this but it's like a demon in me that gets it's kick out of seeing me start to care or love for someone and then boom 'lets act like a pure breed bitch' then afterwards I feel like complete shit. You might not understand you might even think I'm crazy but I'll tell you what your not thinking anything I haven't thought about my self.

I personally feel like I need a psychologist or something idk. Half the time I just want to cry or fight. Happiness seems unfair of I can't share it with her.. Like now I'm gonna have to graduate without her.. Get married without her.. Have kids without her.. Everything. And j fell like it's all my falt.. And no one and tell me it's not.. I left her alone at one of her most vulnerable times. Starting a new job and just having a baby and a grand child?? I was so selfish and now it's like I was cursed to stay like this.. Until I run every body off..

My man and I are still standing strong even though we love with his parents siblings auntie and cousins now and  they're starting to Not like me be use of my attitude.. Everything was fine the first four months.. But now I can't take the way the kids are being raised and it's not like I can say anything about to I stay quiet.. Honestly mouth shut. Its been a lot of petty bs too lately. Idk.. I feel like I just need a job but the only thing I can think of is stripping. But my man is not going to alow that. But it's not like he can keep taking care of the both of us.. I cmon its been 3 years and we still dont have a solid place to stay.. I dnt know what to do.. I mean in gonna get my GED but then What? Ugh I just want a sugar daddy to send me money for pics lmao I could do that.. With googles help that would be easy smh..

God please what do I do ??

IN CONCLUSION:

I don't want to be here anymore. But I can't just up and leave everyone that's counting on me..

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