Into Iniquity

giving in

No one else is counting so why does your watch tick with every beat of my heart.

I still think about it sometimes when I'm lying in bed at night. I barely sleep these days, atleast dreaming I got some rest. But I know its helpless, I haven't dreamt since it happened. I used to dread them, I'd stay up as long as I could, hyped up on coffee and energy drinks; anything that would keep the empty void from sucking me back in to suffocate me. But I was fighting a losing battle and I knew it. Eventually my eyelids would droop in defeat, sleep tugging them closed as if my eyelashes were made of lead and sleep would catch me; keeping me hostage within the dark crevices of my own mind. I knew what to expect, it never changed, but the icy water still sent shivers down my spine. You know that feeling when you're underwater and when you go back up for air you can't find the surface, your vision blurs and you lose sight of whats up and whats down. A cold fear consumes you, filling you with an overwhelming sense of despair and leaving you with one, single thought.

To breathe.

I've relived this feeling every night for as long as I can remember, what comes next is obvious as far as I'm concerned. I feel her eyes watch me desperately swim towards a light I can only hope is the sun overhead, bubbles stream from my mouth taunting me with the one thing I need most, my lungs start to deflate like balloons. "I'm sorry," I cry "It was an accident." Dark, turbid water chokes me, scalding my throat just as my last breath leaves my body. And then I'm awake. I only see her when I'm dreaming and I only die when I'm asleep. I never escape the chilling abyss or get a breath of fresh air. I spend every morning pondering how to break free from this internal torture and hoping for the day when the ghosts buried in my backyard go back to their graves.

I keep telling myself that one day I'll wake up and be happy I'm alive. But my nightmares don't end when I wake up, they only continue. The pain never ends. It's always there. When I'm sleeping. When I'm awake. I can't help but wonder whether it would go away if I was neither.

That night the dream was the same. I still woke up with my mattress soaked in a cold sweat and wreaked with guilt. I still numbly got out of bed and got dressed in a daze, my mind a million miles away. It wasn't until halfway through brushing my teeth did it occur to me. It'd crossed my mind before but I'd never had the nerve to do it. It had always been more of a last resort kinda thing. But I was getting desperate so I ignored the nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me I was a coward and weighed my options. How was I supposed to live in the present when you wouldn't let me let go of the past? I was too mentally and physically exhausted to think clearly but I knew I couldn't take anymore. I was so fucking tired. It'd been almost a decade and your ghost still haunted me. I used to hide with you but know I hide from you.

I reached up into the medicine cabinet and shook a handfull of pills into my trembling hand and swallowed them down my dry throat. I wasn't giving up. I was giving in. The effect was immediate. I clutched my head as the room starting swaying and my back slid down against the wall until I was sitting on the cold tiles of my bathroom floor. And for the first time since it happened, I heard them. The voices. They began as just the ghosts of whispers until ascending into wails; triggering my vision to blur, slowly fading at the edges until all that was left was black. Dark, murky water surrounded me burning my throat and nose, I fought the urge to swim to the surface and let the shadows consume me wholly, the darkness becoming me and I it. I felt my heartbeat descend from a constant thud to a slight murmur. I closed my weary eyes and gave in, but just as I was taking my last breath her hand grasped mine pulling me out of the water onto the shore I'd been dreaming of for years. Under the invigorating relief ebbed a unshakably immorral sensation. It seeped into my bones, tainting my mind and wearing my heart. How could something so sinister feel so ethical. I opened my eyes, gasping for breath, and gripped the edge of the sink. I gaped at my reflection in the mirror in disbelief as water streamed down my body, straightening my curly brown hair and glistening on my eyelashes. It was so mesmerizing I almost didn't notice the slight figure standing behind me. I knew it was her before she even spoke, I'd heard her voice before, whispering my name like it was a secret. "Reeves" "Reeves".

Thanks so much for reading this is my first story so id love any comments on what you thought, theres alot more coming so plzz let me know if u want more;)