Into Iniquity

dazed encounters

Voices.
In my head. In my mind.
Berating my thoughts.
Stuck on rewind.
Omnipresent whispers
echoing their taunts.
Initiating the raid on the manifestation of my subconscious. Eternally lonely yet never alone.
Will I ever find the off switch in this maze of madness?

I realize now that it wasn't air or breathing that motivated me and made my lungs burn with a ferocious longing and need to reach the surface. All those mornings spent in fantasy land I wasn't imagining some fairytale castle above the water.
I was imagining her.
All of it.
It was all for her.
If only for the chance to see her again.

All this flashed through my mind as I stared in awe at her reflection behind me. Wisps of auburn hair framed her soft face making her vibrant eyes look big and warm. Her skin seemed to glow with life or maybe it was just the patch of moonlight she stood in that illuminated her slight figure and cast shadows across her sheekbones. "Tess" I breathed. "It's you."

I was so shocked that it took a minute for the guilt to wash over me. I whirled to face her but all that was left was the faint scent of what seemed to be Autumn. The smell of crackling bonfires, pumpkin and spices, crisp air and decaying leaves. It was such a nice difference from the wintry smell of death currently present that I stood there a minute just to soak it in. That was, until I realized that that was exactly what it smelled like. Death. The last night I saw her.
Disgusted with myself for thinking anything good of the scent, disgusted for forgetting, I quickly returned to my senses, the ones not pertaining to smell, and ran to the window, my breath fogging the pane. I impatiently wiped it clear with the sleeve of my sweatshirt and scanned the area for footprints or any sign to assure me that she was actually here and I didn't imagine the whole thing. That for once I wasn't caught in some twisted mind game and what I'd seen was tangible, not the broken fragments of my illusional fantasys.

Nothing.

I slowly backed way from the window. What was wrong with me? I'd really hitten rock bottom this time. I was starting to think that I spent more time caught in my imagination than I did in reality. She looked older but after all these years I still recognized her. Would I still be haunted with "metaphorical" nightmares tonight? Will these illusions ever change into reality. How was I supposed to know what was real and what wasn't? For all I know this could all be a dream and I wouldn't even know until I woke up. What if I was already awake and was unknowingly falling in and out of sanity every day until one day I fell to far to be pulled back in. How are you supposed to protect yourself when the monsters aren't under your bed, but in your head?

Shut up, I chided myself, stop being so damn paranoid. I instinctively reached over and put my record of U2's album, The Joshua Tree, into my record player and turned the volume up; the crescendo syncing with my fading thoughts.

It wasn't long before I heard pattering footsteps and yawning voices familiarize the morning. The smell of coffee wafted upstairs just as my little sister, Maisie, burst into my room decked out in her bunny slippers and pink pocadot pajamas. "Get up Ree!" she hollered, her blonde hair sticking in every direction,"breakfasts ready!" "Then we better go get it," I said, tickling her as I threw her over my shoulder. "St..st..stop it," she squealed between giggles. "Not until you promise to knock before going in my room," I playfully teased her. "Alright, alright, I promise now let me go!" she shrieked, scrambling away as soon as I set her down. I followed her into the kitchen, where she was already eating all the lucky charms out of her cereal, and grabbed a piece of toast as I exchanged,"mornings" with my mom and brothers. At 17 I was the oldest child, next came Grayson at 12, then Maisie at 7 and lastly was Kai at 4, the baby of the family.

"Im gomma mowp,"I mumbled to my mom incoherently through a mouthful of toast."Sorry." I swallowed,"Im going out." I clarified and quickly grabbed my coat and keys before she could protest and dashed out the door into the chilly air, dodging her worrisome eyes. No matter how many defenses I put up and walls I built she always found the cracks in my fortification. I've never told her about what happened that one day seven years ago. Hell, I've never told anyone. I was too afraid they'd see me how Tess saw me. A monster. I needed to clear my mind. I got into my car and pulled out of our driveway onto the nearly deserted streets of Esteredge, Wisconsin. I'd been driving for roughly ten minutes when I saw a blurry silhouette on the side of the road; barely distinguishable through the fog. I slowed down squinting at the figure then abruptly stopped at a screeching halt, papers flying everywhere. I blinked a few times to make sure I wasn't imagining it and when my vision didn't falter I stumbled out of the car in a daze. There she was, ankle deep in snow with frost on her eyelashes and lips blue with cold.

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