TF2: Scatterguns Crossed *DISCONTINUED*

(6) A...Nightmare?

My sleep was restless, and I was up and down for hours and hours. Every time I woke up I would have a strange compulsion to check the time to see how much sleep I was getting. It was a horrible urge that just clawed at my brain until I did it, similar to OCD, but each time I checked my watch I was just making myself more and more confused. My sleepless brain was struggling to remember what time it was when I'd last checked, and then do the math. Sometimes I had to double check, since the first time I would look I hadn't even read the time. I'd just stared at the watch like my brain would do the thinking for itself, then put my arm back down. By around the three hour mark I was getting frustrated. Already I had woken up at least five or six times and I wasn't feeling any more rested than when I started. 

I finally sat up, breaking my mind's little cycle, wincing as my back and neck immediately protested. I had to stretch them until they cracked before it was comfortable enough to stand up. It was just bright enough to see around me, the moon above giving everything around a slight glow. I could see Scout who had fallen asleep a few feet away from me. Looking at him, I felt a little bad for not offering him anything to sleep on, but at the moment, I couldn't focus on anything. I grabbed my coat off the ground, brushed it off, then slipped it back on. Desert or not, it was still cold out. I wrapped myself up in it and quietly stepped over Scout as carefully as I could. 

Quietly I snuck back to where the fire was burning just a few hours ago to check on everyone. I was slightly caught off guard by seeing that Spy was sitting quietly by the dying fire. He was alone, and seemed perfectly occupied just reading a few snippets from a magazine that had survived the fire. I had never been able to put my finger on it, but something about him just made me kind of sad, seeing him alone all the time. I knew it was his job, but that didn't change anything. I'd never really seen him talking with the others. He was just the shady background character who did his job and nothing else. God, I didn't think I'd ever seen him smile before...

"You're still awake?" I asked quietly, trying not to be too loud. He slowly turned his head towards me, as if acknowledging me without actually looking at me. 

"Oui. I supposed nobody was going to keep watch in zheir sleep." He replied just as quietly. I smiled a little in response, carefully making my way over to him and sitting down far enough away to give him space, but as close as I could. I really didn't want to annoy him, but at the same time, I kind of needed someone to lean on...just in case I started to nod off. The fire made me relax a little and not have to hold my coat so tightly around me. Letting out a quiet sigh I rested my chin on my knees, the fire now feeling too bright to look at. 

"What am I doing here...?" I asked after a few minutes.

"Hm..?" Spy looked at me, frowning just a little as if taken aback by my question. I didn't know this mood I was in right now, but I was incredibly into feeling sorry for myself. I knew it annoyed others and I knew that I should keep these things to myself, but I was tired and I also knew that Spy would be more than happy to talk some sense into me if it was really annoying him. 

"All I've done so far is slow everyone down..." I mumbled quietly, not wanting to look at him. "If we wouldn't have stopped because I was sick, Pyro and Soldier would still be alive..."

"You and I both know that you getting sick was nothing you could control." He replied. His tone wasn't snappy or even half-hearted, but more concerned. "and how could their deaths correlate to you while you were sick? Not to mention, unconscious?" 

"I...I don't know..." I replied quietly, my cheeks burning. I must've looked like an idiot to him. "I..I'm sorr-"

"Listen." He interrupted. My voice caught in my throat as I felt a hand at my arm, shaking me more awake. Looking up I saw that he was looking straight at me. "Self pity is no way to overcome something like this." His voice was now lower, sounding like he was scolding me now. "If you want pity, you're not getting it from me. It happened, it's over, their dead, no need to dwell on it. Got it?" 

With my heart pounding in my chest I nodded. I didn't know that was how his mind worked, but the more I thought about it, the more morbid it became. He was much more used to death than I was, so his coping mechanism was to just forget it. I didn't know how long he'd been a mercenary, but his years outnumbered mine, and it was time for me to shut up. 

He looked at me for a few more long seconds before taking his hand off me, looking back to his snippets and reading again. Mentally I wanted to cry. Did I just blow my chance with Spy? Did he think less of me now that I told him what I thought? This troubling thought made my stomach churn with anxiety all over again. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry and try to give it another chance, but I felt that I'd said enough. 

My tired mind just forced me to stare at the fire for a long time, leaving me to think. I could've thought about training with Medic, or talking to Scout again, or trying to talk to Spy again, but all I thought about was getting to the new base and hiding myself away in my new room. I felt like I could just hide out of embarrassment forever. 

The thought of my new room got me to thinking about my new comfortable bed. One with a soft pillow and a blanket. I wrapped myself tighter in my coat, but eventually my grip started to weaken as I started to nod off again. I wrapped my coat around my legs and rested my head on my knees, letting my eyes drift closed, hoping that this time, maybe, just maybe, I could stay asleep.