Today was the day when I finally became a man. My name is Bruce Dwanye and I'm a soup farmer. I work for Soup Plantations and Valentine's Day is coming up. For the past 10 years, I've had a crush on May. She was perfect, clear albino skin, beautiful brown eyes, and a heck of a smile. Plus she's interested in everything I'm interested in! Like, goat back riding, orange peeling, car mowing, all that good shit. It's almost noon and around this time, she comes by the fountain to refill her blue 25 gallon bottle. Once she gets here, I'm going to ask her on a date and once she says yes I'm gonna do all that good shit with her that couples do. Like ping pong, connect four, wash each others hair, and look for ticks. THERE SHE COMES!!!
"OH LOOK HER COME THAT GOI!!!" I shouted.
"OH SHIT WADDUP!!" She replied.
"So I was thinking that we should contour each others mouth while we goat back ride into the sunset. Are you free on the 14th?" I asked
"Lol no( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )" She laughed and filled her 25 gallon bottle.
I was so heartbroken, so I did the only thing I knew how to do. Dramatic exits. So I ran while crying about this broken heart of mine. I ran and ran and ran until I saw my soul mate.
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I knew I couldn't mope over this broken heart any longer and I had to move on. And the best way to do it is to look for a rebound. I think I found her, she has a rainbow colored buzz cut and I think she might be a man but she's wearing a school girl outfit, so I guess she's in her late 20s.
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"Hey baby how you doin'?" I asked as I seductively whipped my ears.
"Hey, are you here for the anime festival?" She asked in a low and deep voice.
"No, I am here for you, wink." I said.
"Did you just say wink instead of actually doing it?" She asked.
"Yea, is sum ting wong?" I asked
"Evwy ting is wong. You wanna go smoke some shit?" She asked
"HELL YEAH!" I replied
This is really working. I am hitting it off with someone of the other species, I'm such a darn ol' player. She took me to this secluded place and whipped out a tray, on the tray was a mountain of flour with an egg in the middle. She took out two straws and gave me one and proceeded to sniff. She started screaming, she flexed, and her clothes ripped off. She had the most amazing pecs and 16 pack. I sniffed it and knocked out.
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