Joshua: Do I make you nervous?
You: No, why do you ask?
Joshua: You haven't stopped talking long enough for me to kiss you.
You: Oh!
Joshua: Shut up and kiss me.
***************
I pushed my back as far to the wall as it would go. Joshua had invaded my personal space, purposefully. He rested one arm against the wall over my right shoulder and played with my hair with his left hand. I couldn't breathe, he was so close. His left hand moved to just above my head and I felt vulnerable. I couldn't see his eyes through his dark sun glasses but his smile betrayed him. He liked pushing my buttons but today it was different. His head dropped to my neck and I felt his warm breath dance around to the nape of my neck. His lips moved up to my ear and he whispered softly, "I like making you uncomfortable. You're kind of sexy when you're not in control."
My usually composed self was falling apart and he was tearing down the wall I had built around myself, around my heart after Jace died. I didn't think I could feel again. I didn't want to feel again. Why was this man trying to let those emotions out? I had buried any hope of finding someone like Jace again. Lightening doesn't strike twice in a lifetime. His death was sad and painful for me, and I swore I would never love like that again. The pain of his loss was like trying to climb out of the pits of hell.
I had met Joshua from his frequent visits to the shop Jace and I owned. Jace and Josh had become friends and occasionally, Jace would hire Josh to take tourists out fishing. Jace liked him. He worked hard, never complained, and helped attract tourists to our fishing tour business. Joshua was in the shop the day that I got the news of Jace's death. When the state troopers came into the shop, I knew something was wrong. Joshua did too. Jace had gone to pick up some needed supplies in a nearby town and a drunk driver had hit his jeep. The troopers said Jace died immediately and I did too that day.
It was Joshua that stayed with me all through the night and held me as I cried until there were no tears left. It was Joshua who stood silently in the background at Jace's funeral and took over the duties of the shop until I could see light in my life again. Joshua had done it all never asking anything in return. I had come to depend on him but I wasn't ready to return his affection. He wasn't overt in his feelings. Just a comment here and there, a look, or a brushing of the hair off my face after a harried day of fishing tours.
Today was different. Joshua wouldn't let me move from between his arms. When I shifted, he shifted. "I can't do this Joshua."
"Yes, you can." He said continuing to stare into my eyes from behind his glasses. "Just let go. I'm done living in Jace's shadow. I need you to see me. I can't make it any clearer that I want you, baggage and all."
"I don't want to forget." I said.
"I'm not asking you to forget. I'm asking you to let go for now. Live in this moment with me. I can't fix what happened but I can help you write the next chapter."
Joshua reached up and removed his sun glasses. I had seen that look before. It was the same look Jace had given me when he proposed. No guarantees but a lifetime of love. No guarantees and we never finished our lifetime.
Joshua brushed the tears from my eyes and kissed my cheeks and then my forehead and then my lips.
I tried to speak but he only kissed me more deeply. I pressed my body so hard against the wall I felt I would meld with the wall. Joshua dropped his hands to my waist and pulled me from the wall closer to him. The more I pulled back, the tighter he held me.
I could feel his heart beating he was so close to me and then, suddenly as if Jace himself were pushing me towards Joshua, I just let go. Joshua sensed the change immediately. My body no longer felt tense under his touch. Without hesitation, he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the upstairs bedroom. He didn't say a word. I didn't fight him. I was so tired of fighting him, my emotions, my memories of Jace.
Joshua stood behind me kissing the back of my neck and shoulders. He slowly unbuttoned my shirt revealing my bra. His hands moved to my breasts and he caressed them. "I knew you were a lace girl." He smiled slyly.
He turned me to face him, opening my bra with the no hesitation. He dropped the lace to the floor. His mouth traveled down my neck to my stomach and back up to my breasts. His tongue danced over my nipples and I moaned with pleasure. He smiled as I arched my back wanting more. He removed his shirt and I became lost in the moment.
"Joshua...."
He never spoke a word. He placed his fingers to my mouth as if to silence what I was about to say. I stopped mid-sentence. He laid me carefully back on our bed, the bed I had shared with Jace. I could hear my mind screaming no but the rest of me was not cooperating. As Joshua moved, I began to move with him. I could feel his excitement building through his jeans. I found myself trying to wriggle out of my jeans with the help of his gentle hands. His hand slipped between my thighs rubbing the lace he had discovered under my well worn jeans. Jace had always appreciated my practical dress until he discovered my weakness for sexy lingerie. It was always our secret and I knew when he smiled at me that he knew I was always hiding a special surprise just for him. Finding lingerie in Hoonah wasn't an easy undertaking and I think the local postmaster began to question the frequent delivery of packages from Victoria's Secret.
Joshua seemed to appreciate it also. His hand moved under the lace panties and deftly removed them exposing all of me. No one except Jace had seen me naked. I tried to pull the covers over me but Joshua pushed them back. He stared at me for the longest time as if learning to read every curve and scar on my skin.
I pulled his face closer to mine taking in his scent. He smelled of fresh pine. I nuzzled his chest with my lips and hands. He quickly removed his jeans and just as I had suspected, there wasn't anything under them.
I hadn't felt the weight of a man on me since the last time Jace and I had made love. It had been more than a year. Now, this moment, felt strange. It was if I was a virgin all over again. Joshua sensed my hesitation and whispered in my ear. "Do you want to stop?"
I shook my head no and pulled him closer to me. I felt his hand spread my legs open and he tenderly entered me. I could tell he didn't want to hurt me. I whispered in his ear. "You can't break me." I hadn't been loved with that amount of passion for a very long time. Joshua was a man of many skills. He played violin, he drew, and he was a most attentive lover.
His release was my release. All the pent up emotions, suppressed desires, and pain seemed to leave my body in one perfect climax.
Joshua pulled me on top of him and made love to me again wasting no time in bringing pleasure to me again. I collapsed in his arms with his leg draped over me. He was so beautiful and he made me feel so beautiful again. He stroked my hair and caressed my body until we both fell asleep.
I will always love Jace but I have made room tonight in my bed, my heart and my life for Joshua.
