Ouch!

Why me?

The chapter title says it all... Why me? Why did my dad have to leave me? It hurts to think that my dad doesn't care. That he doesn't think about me. That he doesn't even try and get in contact. But do you know what does get in contact the pain in my arms from the blades slitting the flesh, blood poring onto my bed sheets. Why does it feel good? But the fact that I'm alone hurts.

I'm 14 and my life has already hurt me... 9 years without my dad, 4 months with no family helping me and 2 weeks with no  friends supporting me. That hurts. That kills. I didn't want this to happen Yano, it just happens in life you see. You don't get to choose your fairytale! Trust me I've tried.

It's not just family though it's people at school, out of school, all they think about is my appearance and the way I look. Just because I haven't got perfect hair, skin or figure doesn't mean I should get hurt by the words that come out of your mouth. When people say horrible words like "fat" or "ugly" I don't take any notice because they aren't lying. when it comes to my family and they start saying "no one cares" or " your dad left you because your a failure at birth" that's when it hurts and that's when the pain in my heart comes and destroys me. That's when I break down.

When I look at myself in the mirror  I see my dad, and he's just laughing at me and my stupid mistakes, but then I remember he made the biggest mistake by having me. It was his own fault though, he can't just blame this all on a rubber band. He's the one that ripped it and took my mum for pleasure, but once my mum fount out she was pregnant he left everything! Especially me...

So many years I've coped without my dad and now I can't get him out my head, what do I do? I'd love to just say three words to him which has only one meaning "I love you" but unfortunately I can't. I can't do a lot of things any more because I don't have the guts to show my face to the world, because I'm scared they might judge me or think I don't fit in the crowd.

I just wish I was perfect, I wish I had a perfect figure, hair, looks and a perfect family. Have you ever blew your candles on top of your birthday cake and wished for a better life, I've lost count how many times I've wished it for. But that's just a superstition. Why would we blow out a candle on a cake every year for a wish? Don't you think it blowing out a candle everyone would be buying candles just to make their wishes come true.

I heard my mum come upstairs so I hid the blades and pulled my covers over my arms and the blood stains from her, she asked if i was okay, I smiled and nodded, while holding my arm in pain and so the blood didn't pour as much. Ones she left my smile slipped of my face and tears took a visit onto my cheeks. I got out of bed and grabbed my old top and wrapped it around my wounded arm.  I grabbed my phone off the bed side cabinet and checked my snap chat, 6 snaps of different people, my face dropped even more and the tears shredded down my face onto the screen. "Dirty tramp", "filthy dog" and " kill yourself" appeared on my phone from none users. I thought to myself people must not have better things to do in their life's then be bullies.

I wiped my eyes with the bloody top and turned my phone off completely. It was 10:49 pm and I was still up watching music videos and just looking at them made me wonder how amazing their life's are and how perfect they are. They clearly blew more than their age number of candles on there birthday cake. It was now 12:31 am and I still couldn't sleep still in so much pain with my arms and I couldn't breath from all the crying.

7;41 am I woke up with my top still wrapped around my arm and tissue scattered all on the floor. I rub my eyes and there's a letter on the side table. " we have gone out, don't know when we will be back? No one around and there's a ready to go meal for your dinner, don't leave the house! Okay? Mum" she's left me home alone and took my brother out and left me in the house, alone... The keys to the shed were on the kitchen side. I ran down stairs and grabbed them, I soon made sure the car was gone so I could fetch all my art pencils and art work.

A real smile appeared on my face, I walked towards the shed door to leave it and on the door was a picture of my dad, a really old picture and 3 small pictures underneath of me and my brother smiling, I was 8 years old and my brother was 7. A tool box with a lock was underneath the window, I tried every key on the ring but none of them worked, I suddenly heard a car door shut, I quickly locked the shed door and ran back into the house and shucked the keys back on the kitchen side and ran back into my room and hit the art pencils and paper under my pillow. I heard my brother come up the stairs and running into my room with a bag of sweets but he wouldn't give me one.

I started to worry, I heard my mums angry steps coming up the stairs stomping into my room where I stared at her with a fright on my face as she shouted " why have you been in the shed?" I started to cry and she came closer into my face repeating the same question, I couldn't answer I was petrified. She stood up and took my brother out of the room and slammed the door behind her. I grabbed my phone and text my boyfriend saying "can you meet me please Josh, I need help" he took exact 1 minute to reply, so I got my bag and shoved extra clothes in my phone charger and my phone and iPad. I opened my window and grabbed the rope from under my bed and tied it to the corner, I slowly climbed out he window and ran across the garden. It was 7:00 pm and it was starting to get dark, I met Josh on the corner of my street where we first met.

I saw his figure in the dark and I started to cry and run to him, he picked me up and hugged me and took me to his house. On the way to his house there was a gang of girls laughing at me while smoking and drinking, I grabbed Josh's hand and squeezing it so tight. He was outside his door when he suddenly kissed me and grabbed my arm, suddenly pain stuck and I pulled my arm our of his hand. His face was confused, he slowly grabbed my arm and rolled the sleeves up and looked straight into my eyes and said "I love you but you need to stop this" I forcibly pulled my sleeve back down and grabs Josh.

We walked inside and I ran upstairs while Josh grabbed me a bandage and a hot drink, I walked into his bedroom and turned the light on and slowly walked to the window and sat on his wooden white windowsill and Josh's mum walked threw the door frame and looked at me with fear. She walked over to me and asked if I wanted to live with her and Josh, so I jumped and gave her a hug and said "please". I couldn't believe his mum is letting me stay with them that put me off cutting for weeks maybe months.