i wanted to drown. i wanted my lungs to slowly collapse filled with water while the air escaped from my body for the very last time. that was the plan, the plan i had for myself. i was at peace with it. until i met someone, and for a second i doubte...
i like to keep a journal, i occasionally come online just to write my immediate feelings. how i feel, in this moment? 3 hours prior my planned suicide. it's a very intellectual question, it's a rush of feelings all at once. i feel free and at peace but, depressed and helpless at the same time. I've been planning it for a couple of months now, obsessively. both my parents are working till the morning, over night shifts. i have all night to myself, i can breath. i'll get in the bath, close my eyes for a while then finally i'll take one last breath until i inhale the water as they fill my lungs slowly. a peaceful death. i'll escape this world without anyone noticing
you might thing i'm being dramatic or reacting on a little negative things currently filling my life. My parents work intense shifts and i'm home alone most of the time, I've had a lot of time to about all of this. my friends come and go out of my life as they please, i don't get attached to anyone. i am an extreme introvert and always have been. i love listening to the sound of rain hitting my window at 3 am more than going out to a party. i love little things, long eye contact with strangers or the sound of crickets. those things kept me wanting to wake up the next morning, those little things kept me living. one day, they just disappeared, i couldn't hear the crickets and people stopped looking at me completely. that's the moment i decided my existence was useless. i was living for nothing. my parents didn't care my friends certainly didn't care. i stopped caring all together. i started planning my suicide that night. 2 months ago.
i guess this is my last journal entry.. i don't know what my last words to be.. if anyone finds these.
i want to tell my parents it wasn't their fault. it wasn't anyone's fault. they were great parents and i appreciate all they've done for me.
i want them to know i tried.. I've thought about every other possibility and this felt like the best one.
i just wanted to say goodbye.. i loved life, until life ruined me.
- Audrey, 9:50, goodnight.
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