Hope's Hospital

AIDS

Only a couple of hours later, in the early afternoon another patient arrived. He kind of blended in with the grey walls of the hospital. He was the kind of guy you could meet many times but in order to actually remember his face you would need to memorize it on purpose. He was neither short nor tall with small greyish eyes hidden behind thick glasses. He was bald but there were small patches of hair remaining here of there. He didn’t bother to hide his baldness and he seemed like he neglected the way he looked. He sort of resembled a mouse and combined with his wrinkled clothes that should make a pretty memorable combination but there was something about him that made him invisible. 

He seemed like the kind of guy who had a very good sense of humor but the light in his eyes died over the years of humiliation, loneliness and betrayal. Nobody knew of his long lost humor, though. His expression was full of sadness and hurt. He had no hope.  The way he walked through the hospital with his head down clearly showed that. 

He sat next to Jane longing to have human connection. He was so lonely he couldn’t make himself move away. 

“You seem lonely sitting all alone in this huge empty hospital.”

He paused thinking how to make the one-way conversation flow naturally but he was never good at talking. 

“I hate being here. I see no point why it’s necessary for me to be here. They say it’s because I am suffering from depression and am suicidal but I am going to die anyway so what is the point of making sure I don’t kill myself.  I think they just want me to suffer. “

He was lost in thought and that was why he didn’t even notice the old cleaner as she slowly walked by and she was by no means quiet.  Somehow all of the people that waited there told at least part of their stories and he didn’t seem to be an exception. 

“I was fine two months ago. I never had a perfect life but I was married and healthy. Until I come home one day to have my wife demanded a divorce and a couple of months later I received a letter. I was informed that there was a possibility that I had AIDS. My wife was cheating on me when we were together and she got it from another guy. She was fine, though but there were a possibility she passed it on to me.  I had myself tested and as it turns out I had AIDS.”

I tried killing myself to end my suffering but I survived and now I am treated for depression. I am not depressed. I just really wanted to live and I hate pain. I am only prolonging my suffering. I am going to die soon anyway so why wait?”

“It is kind of embarrassing the way I get overlooked every time. I was invisible all my life and it always bothered me but I didn’t allow it to make me bitter. I was always the guy who laughed at every little silly thing that happened. I never had close friends or understanding parents…”

“I love the way the light falls in this time of the year. Next year when the leaves start to color and the sun becomes bearable I will start feeling sick and I won’t have to come here and a year after that I will be dead one way or another.”

“I don’t believe in therapy and I am not opening up to anyone ever that could hurt me ever again. I have no idea what am I going to say to the therapist.”

He stood up from the uncomfortable chair and repeated.

“I have no idea.”

The hospital was as silent as always but he didn’t seem to mind as he moved to the window.

“Why don’t they repair the window? Someone could get hurt. You could get hurt! This place is meant to be for therapy; don’t they think the glass could be used to hurt or kill? It doesn’t sound appealing to me no matter how much I want to die. I prefer the thought of dying peacefully in my sleep, drugged and happy.”

“Yes, this sounds about right. Just once in my life I would be happy “ He added to himself.

The nearest door opened and the nurse said. 

“You must be here for your appointment. The doctor will be here in a minute. Do you want a cup of coffee? I could make you a cup of tea if you want?” 

He shrugged and followed here inside the room. He smiled at her but the smile was fake. He hadn’t laughed for real in a while. He didn’t have anything to smile for it seemed. She returned it happily and ignored the sad way his eyes looked at her through the glasses. 

“Hello, there! I am going to be your psychiatrist for a while so I would like you to call me Linda.”

The doctor smiled really widely at him and shook his hand.

“It is nice to finally meet you. Do you need anything? Do you want a cup of coffee?”

The whole time they spent together that day he doctor didn’t get more than three words out of him. He flinched away from her every time she smiled at him. The doctor was just way too happy for him.