Caligula and Caesar's Email Adventure

Spread Me

Dear Lurpak,

I don’t know who you think you’re kidding when you say your butter is spreadable but it certainly isn’t me, or my six-year-old son.

Tensions are running high in the house at the moment (my husband recently walked out on our twenty-eight year marriage) so when your “spreadable” butter ripped my son’s sandwich, that was just the icing on the cake. He was inconsolable for hours and I had to explain to him that sometimes, big companies lie. But to lie so blatantly? Unacceptable.

I think you ought to rethink either your packaging or your recipe, because I cannot tolerate this any longer. I had to leave the butter out for another thirty minutes before it was soft enough to have another go at Timmy’s sandwich, by which point he was chewing his own hand.

For now, we have switched over to Flora. Never have we had any issues quite like the bread-tearing saga: in fact, in trying to recreate such a hardness of butter as yours, I had to leave the tub in the freezer for an hour. While this was an enjoyable activity for Timmy, for he got to smash the butter while pretending it was Lurpak, I daresay it’s a testament to your company that your butter is as spreadable as a frozen ice block.

I hope to see a more sandwich-friendly butter on the shelves in the supermarket soon else I will set my lawyer on you (and he desecrated my ex-husband).

Yours sincerely,

Mrs Caligula Caesar