Tokaharu: Not Where I Had In Mind

Settling Down

"Toka, could you help me?"
I'd faced away so she could change, a dusting of red along my cheeks with thoughts I'd never considered as roommates. I mean we've seen each other's bodies in the public bath, but back then we weren't looking. It was different, me seeing her now, with these feelings that have my blood rushing. I'd only felt similar in battle. This wasn't the same, but it's all I could compare it to.
I cautiously moved behind her to untie the knots holding the generic hospital gown in place, my fingers so nervous that I couldn't manage. This only made me more embarrassed. "T-they must've done this too tight, I can't seem to get it. Do you mind if I have to cut it?" Every syllable was being uncooperative. Buttons would be so much better.
"H-haru doesn't mind." She's dropped the third person mannerisms lately, maybe she's nervous too.
Flashes of her lip wavering made me want to keep it still with mine. What is this urge? I tried emptying my thoughts, but as the strings snapped, I imagined what it'd be like to rip all her clothes away. I rushed to sheathe my weapon as Haru slipped off the fabric, her scarred skin reminding me of all the hardships the positive girl had been through. I picked up her shirt, helping slip it over her head, covering the white hospital issued bra.
A hand on my shoulder, the other gripping the edge of the gurney I supported her weight, as she pulled her legs through denim jeans. Gradually the embarrassment receded with the increase of clothing until I picked Ichinose up to set her in a wheelchair.
The car ride was quiet. When we arrived at the apartment I immediately assessed security. Cameras all over the facilities, card scanner at the main entrance, private parking lot, code lock and bolt on the actual apartment itself. Then Nio opened the door. It wasn't an apartment. It was a loft. Apart from the bathroom and the balcony, it was all a single room. Not that it was cheap or anything, though it wasn't what I expected, Haru's excitement became evident as she took in the whole scenery.
"Keys, cards, cash, and codes are all in the envelope on the island, everything has been fully stocked. Don't bother sweeping for bugs or cameras, as the wish required you live normal lives, you're no longer under surveillance from us and it's too soon for anyone else to figure out who you are to plant any. Now you two can be as disgusting as you want." Nio winked as my knuckles turned white, balled up in anger. "Bye-bye!"
Haru ran up to hug me, my expression must've put off concern because her eyes became apologetic as she started walking instead. Rather than pushing away, I let her head rest on my shoulder, my nose catching faint traces of her lingering shampoo from a week ago. My pulse quickened.
"I'm glad you chose me." Haru muttered against my collarbone. It made me shiver involuntarily.
"I will choose you, consistently, in every way from now on. No hesitations. It may take a while to get used to a relationship or learn my way, but I will. I'm done running from my feelings."
Her beautiful amber eyes raised to meet mine, looking for a bluff. Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. Was what I meant to say, it just didn't feel like the message would be received as I wanted it to. My forefinger lifted her chin just enough for me to almost reach, but not touch, stopping a centimeter short. Blood rushed in my ears and my face warm. Even though my eyes were closed, I knew she looked the same.
I wanted to be me. Rough and aggressive, but at the same time, I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore, least of all Haru. The few seconds it took her to register that I wasn't going to close the gap were agony. I'd never seen her get shy before and even though we kissed once in the water, that was to save my life, not purely to communicate despite lack of adjectives.
Once she realized why, I heard her whisper, "Haru's too worried that she's messing with Tokaku's head..."
"This is me. Don't think you need to wait for me, I want to kiss you. Stop it for you if need be, just don't do it for me."
"Haru doesn't know if she can risk losing Tokaku again." Her breath was warm against my face.
Please, let me prove it. "Do you want to?" The smallest nod I'd ever recieved was the deciding factor.
The first time was so light that we barely touched at all. I'd never been one to understand nor desire such things. We learned about the reproductive cycle and in psychology we were taught the way human interaction escalates over time, it wasn't this though. That was theories & textbook pages. This was gentle brushes, and growing confidence. This was concrete pouring itself over my future because this, this is where I wanted to be. There were so many things I'd missed out on, I would practically beg to learn everything in that moment, but time was all we had so, I savored it.
Then I remembered what the doctor said about standing. "I'm going to pick you up Haru."
"Okay," though I pulled back to carry her, she didn't recede, her fingers tracing the nape of my neck, making my head fuzzy.
As soon as we sunk into the sofa, her palm moved to my cheek, reconnecting us. We found a harmony between movements, my hand on the back of her neck, supporting the position of her head as I tried something new, suckling her bottom lip lightly before ending. Her breathing uneven and labored, I knew her body wasn't as ready as we were.
She seemed sad I'd retreated, so I left a soft last peck behind. "We have time. Years to catch up these two weeks you have to take easy." I smiled, watching her play with my fingers in her lap.
"I know, you're right. You're always right." Haru sighed.