whey hey! it's sam's third rant book

rant i guess

note ; this is an extremely personal rant that could be quite triggering. the only way i could trigger it is 'family related'? but i really don't know how else to describe it. please stay safe.

ever since about three years ago, i knew my parents weren't as close as many of my other friends' parents were. at parties they aren't normally with each other, they don't go out much by themselves, and most times dinners are silent because no one at the table wants to yell or be yelled at. being around this sort of thing is quite stressful and draining.

i don't want my parents to get a divorce. i really don't. i'm just afraid that they will, or maybe they're already considering it and i just don't know.

everything is a screaming match, it seems. my dad is always yelling and i understand he's stressed and has anger problems but i can't help but feel like he's victimizing us. i went to my friend's house yesterday and slept over and my mom says to me, "your dad and i got into a fight so when we get home he'll be upset." and she started crying and she skipped every song on the radio that was about love and i don't know what to do anymore.

i don't want to be in my house. it doesn't feel like home. i don't feel safe and i'm always sick to my stomach, waiting to be shouted at. i'm always in my room or out on a bike ride because i don't want to be around my parents. i know people have it so much worse than i do, but this is how i feel and i refuse to apologize for it. i'm terrified in my own house.

i don't know what this means for my activeness from here on out. i may be on less some days and more others. this entire thing is stressing me out so much and i've bottled it in because i know my friends have other issues and i'm afraid they'll think i'm trying to take attention from them or something and i have no idea how to tell them without sounding like a whiny brat. many of my friends will turn it around on me too. they'll say, "well my parents are worse blah blah blah" and i hate that i really can't tell them anything because i know they'll do that.

because of the stress i haven't been sleeping, making me irritable and tired and even more stressed which is a horrible combination and now i don't want to be around anyone because i've yelled at my friends so many times or snapped at them and i want to cry over every little thing. for example, two of my friends were working together in a card game which wasn't really allowed but no one had a problem with it except me and i just kept insisting it was cheating instead of not saying anything and i wanted to sob. i don't know how to deal with anything anymore. just now i went downstairs and had to do the laundry and i started sobbing while putting on the dryer. i don't know what do anymore. sorry for this :) i just need to get this off my chest and stuff..