Napping comes natural when you don't have a busy life, most of the time when I'm asked what I'm doing I usually say in bed.
When i say in bed I don't mean laying with someone ready to fuck our brains out, no, i mean in bed in my underwear and cuddled under the covers or completely naked.
I usually hate every part of my body but while i'm in bed I slightly enjoy it, i like feeling my thighs tough from each side and the way my hands feel against my own skin, but i think what i hate the most is my chest.
Ah, my chest.. they've grew on me since i was in elementary school, "you're growing breast" - my mother told me in 3rd grade.
And those weird bumps growing on my flat surface, staring at me in hatred.
Peaked into uneasiness.
I forgot how to see, but I feel them.
So I tape them under my arms and push them as close to my chest, to keep them hidden but I know they're still attached to my skin.
I'm stuck. i'm stuck.
I'm stuck, the only thing that runs through my mind when it comes to my transition. fuck.
I'm either stuck or moving backwards. I feel you pushing me in closet, i see you fucking trying to rip me of what was grasped tightly in my hands and took me years to get out of my mouth.
Took me years to spit out.
I'm not a pile of clothes you can just throw back into the fucking closet.
i'm a person.
I'm a human being.
I'm me.
I tug on the ace bandage to make it tighter, so tight i can feel my rib cage sucking in my breast tissue, as if the inside of my body was a vacuum. I know the unsafeness of binding with an ace but i need it to keep my breasts in place, my mouth stays a thin line as i feel my heart crushing inside.
Is it the tightness of the ace or people putting me in a different fucking place?
One was given to me by my mother, the one I keep trying to bury under cause when i hear it, it sounds like thunder. The sky crashing into the oceans like my thoughts and feelings.
Ones that i try to repress but they keep me up at night and start to progress, not into anything good.
I stay up past midnight, counting the hours of when i need to get up.
The clock reads three, i have a few more hours to sleep but i know the dead tired feeling will hit as soon as i awake the next day.
I sit in class counting the hours until my next class, from my next class to lunch, from lunch to dismissal.
I get home and kick off my clothes, plopping into my bed that wraps around me like a tight embrace and i tug my covers onto my face.
My phone vibrates but no attention is paid, i enjoy my covers nuzzled against my face.
My thighs caress each other as if they are lovers.
Even if i cringe at my breast pressed up against one another.
I close my eyes and drift to sleep.
Napping just comes so easily.
