Feelings Never Fade

Mother

•Mom•

Ma at the age of two. Mommy at the age of seven. Mom at the age of eleven. Now, Mother. How? How did our relationship change so much that I can't even call you my mom. Maybe biologically you are my mom. But emotionally. Not as much.... you yell, you threaten, you abuse. But I still don't leave. All it takes is one phone call. And I can move away from you. And have a new family. A new life. But I don't. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's cause I hope that you'll change. Yeah, maybe that's it.... But will you? Will you really change? Will you ever stop overreacting. Or yelling. Or threatening. Or almost hitting.??

When I was 4 you told me I was the best thing that's ever happened to you.
When I was 5 you hit my sister, we we got in trouble with child services. You won of course. Cause it it isn't your opinion then it's wrong.
When I was 7 you told me to keep my grades above "90" or you would be angry. So I did. I tried I kept my "A" average.
When I was 8 I talked back for the first time while trying to protect my older sister while she was getting yelled at, you then turned around and started yelling and threatening me. Do you remember that? Probably not.
When I was 10 I got an "86" on a midterm report. You were very mad. You yelled at me and told me how stupid I was. You told me I should've tried harder. You told me that I was in trouble. You said I needed to focus more.
When I was 11 my sister passed away. And you became quite. For 4 and  a half months I hadn't heard you talk. I was worried. Then, you became your normal self. But, you weren't. You have this cloudy look in your eyes. And you were meaner. "Get off your phone and put away the dishes!" You yelled. "Do your homework!" You screamed. "Don't talk back to me!!" You reminded. "I'm gonna fucking slap you!!" You said again. "Don't be a whore!" That hurt. When you said that. It really really hurt. But I kept smiling for your sake....
When I was twelve you got worse. This is when you found out about my boyfriend. And that's where we are now. You yelled at me in front of people this time. It's getting worse. But I'm still trying to push through it. For you. Cause I know after losing my sister it's been hard for you.
Now, I'm sitting on the floor. In my room. Crying. Cause you did it again. Your have verbally abused me. And brought down my confidence. That's why I have social anxiety. And panic disorder. And maybe even body dysphoria. But it's okay. I think. I hope. It'll all be okay...