The Meaning of Words

Word #1: Bastard

Most people will look at the word Bastard and think of it as an insult. An easy way to offend a Man because Bitch wouldn't sounds as good, you go with Bastard, to stay away from "Son of a". 

But to me.

Oh, to me. 

This word. These 7 letters. They are my childhood.

You might be confused. But I, I am a Bastard.

No, I don't mean anything offensive like when a girl tries to devalue herself. But I, I am a Bastard.

A Bastard is just a way to say a fatherless child. Which i am.

Growing up in Club B was hard, as I couldn't relate or understand family norms like other kids. 

I just knew this much, my family, was me and my mother. No siblings or Father, but we'll talk about siblings later.

I specifically remember times where I would ask my mother in the car from KINDERGARTEN, why I didn't have a dad like all the other kids.

Her explanation is still clear in my head as it was the only one I had for the longest time. 

"Well, Mommy wanted to have a little baby, but she didn't want to wait for a husband. So i went to the doctors and talked to them about getting a baby without a daddy, and after 9 months, I got you. My little baby was born in St. John's, without a father." 

Of course those weren't her exact words as that was nearly 10 years ago, but that was my explanation. Then one day when i was older, i faintly remember my Aunt explaining a bit more to me. I don't recall how it came up, but it was just the 2 of us in the car, and she told me that Boys have a "Tadpole" that help the mommy make babies. And My mother went to the doctors to get a "Tadpole" so I'd be born. 

It wasn't even but a few years ago went i put together my knowledge and realized, I was born from a sperm donation center. I'll never know my dad, and even if i one day tracked him down, what would i say to him?

"Hello. I'm not sure if you remember but a long, long time ago you donated your sperm to a center up in Colorado, but hey! I'm the little kid that came from that! What's up? Got any other kids i could meet so I'll finally have some form of blood related siblings?"

*Slowly inhales and exhales* Breathe Casey... I'd probably end up crying. But, that's not even the worse of it.

Growing up as a young Bastard, it's difficult. Kids who understand as little as you do will ask why you don't have a daddy. They'll ask if you're parents got a divorce. Try and figure if he died. But my only answer for them was... "I've never had a dad, and that's it." "But everyone has a dad. You can't not have a dad." 

But i don't. Sure, i have a biological connection to some person who could pass the health tests to donate to a center in a different state than where i ended up living my entire life. But He's not a father to me. A father cares for his kids, works in some way to help the family, a father would have strong bonds to his children. But I've never had any of that.

Father's Day is hell on steroids, taking my usual lonely days and multiplying it by 50 with all the happy fatherly love posts online. I wish I could say it doesn't get to me, but it does.

Trying to explain family is even harder now that i know the truth. There's... no easy way to ease a new friend into the big secret that I'm a Bastard.

And then you have friends who understand your situation and aren't scared to talk about it, it's awesome, until someone over hears something wrong. One time me and a friend were talking about a cruel girl who was teasing a friend of her's for not having a mother after his died. She called the boy a waste of space for simply suffering through the loss of his mom. I took offence. "What does that make me? Am i a waste of space too, since i don't have a dad?" And a boy in the class, only hearing the last part was trying to make a joke and said "You Don't Have a Dad!", turning around to get a laughing approval from his friends, I replied simply," "Yeah? I don't have a dad, what of it?" and then he proceeded to ask me if I was serious. It wasn't insulting, and by his tone he wasn't trying to be rude of make an insult out of it, but it was an awkward confusion I would've preferred to have lived without.

Then there's shit boyfriends. I have faint memories of a few that I really liked when I was a kid, but all they had to do to make me like them was play a single game like matching cards, or riding bikes. It isn't hard to impress or earn the approval of a toddler. And, as I grew older, I couldn't stand any of her other boyfriends, except for that one, that one, I really liked him, he was silly, fun, he had a dog, I really liked getting to spend time with him and my mom, but of course it didn't work out. I swear every single one I like ends quickly and the ones I hate are the ones that stay the longest. Including her current boyfriend who I've suffered with for over a year now.

So yeah. That's the insight to the life of a Bastard. And now, if you didn't before, have a new outlook on that word when using it to try and offend that asshole who slapped your ass in the night club. Or maybe not.

Please leave recommendations for more words for me to analyze in the comments.