Shadow a.i

01

"Once you learn to enjoy the little things, you will be a winner in life."

I see my mother reminding a much younger version of me, her voice strained and breathing rigid. I remember how the saddness in her eyes made me question everything of the moment.

"What do you mean mom?" younger me says desperately, trying to make sense of the situation. Her wandering eyes and the way she seemed in a hurry made me want to shout for her to stop. To put her worries at ease before she loses her last bits of sanity.

"You'll find out soon enough," my mom said breathlessly," I gotta go. Remember, I love you.
Forever and a day?" My mom seemed to have regained her composure, obviously taking notice of the worry creases on younger me's forehead. Somehow I felt like how I did when I was younger, as if everything were back to normal, despite the fact that shes been parked on the side of the road at the early morning.

I am now in the car beside the nine year old me. I am feeling the same way I did when I was nine, on the tragic day. At the moment I was sucked into the same peacefulness as was my nine year oldself.

"Forever and two days for you," we both say, trying to make this serenity last. I feel as though my mom was ok, like how I did when I was younger. But, this time I know what lies ahead, the pain and the confusion. I am pushing that aside however, and allow my current self to ease into the same clueslessness as the nine year old me is in.

With that she kissed the forehead of the person I am sat beside, gave a small smile, and left the car. She walked off for a distance headed towards the bridge surrounded by the forest. I sat there a while too long, before I was pulled out of my daze and realized I was left alone with nine year old me. My mom had left.

I look to my left and see younger me sound asleep oblivious to the severity of the situation. I am no longer in the same trance I was in when I was younger, no. I am desperate, I am fully aware of the one thing that will occur in the next moments, and I am going to stop it this time.

In my rush, I was attempting to do something, anything. But I find that I am unable to do anything, but sit and wait like how I had to do when I was younger. I was frustrated and sobbing knowing my mom's death lay just beyond, trying to shout at the nine year old me hysterically attempting to wake her up. But she is sound asleep, and I am not capable of moving, for I am only a presense trying to set the past straight. The only body is that of my youngerself, and she needs to get going.

In the distance I see it. I see her praying, blue calico dress flapping in the wind. She's obviously crying and shaking, and I am in the same state as her. She steps onto the railing of the bridge, closes her eyes and lets go.

It was in that moment that I let go as well. My vision blurs and I feel like Alice, falling through the rabbit hole. Its just that unlike Alice, I know what lies ahead.

I jolt up real fast, that I feel the blood rushing in the direction of my head. There's a dampness on my cheek, and I soon realize that it was the trail of my tears. I wipe it away and try to comprehend the occurrence of my dream.

I was there, only in spirit, on the day of my mother's suicide. I was placed back on that horrid day, and forced to feel the same oblivion I did when I was nine years old, on the actual dah it happened. But, this time I was older, aware of what lyed just beyond. Somehow, I was pulled into the same trance as I was in when I was nine. It took over me, and I was unable to stop her yet again.

More tears roll freely down my face as I realize that I could've helped her. The clock reads 2:03 and I close my eyes in attempt to sleep.again.

The dream had shooken me up, making sleep seem like an eternity away. But not enough to make it a nightmare; for it was nothing compared to my reality.