•POEMS•

"ALL THE COLORS!"

I was 5 years old, you asked me what my favorite color was.
"ALL THE COLORS!" I would answer, with a big smile on my face . "But sweetie, you can only have one favorite color" you told me and smiled a bit. I sighed "i like the color blue...?" I said softly, confused at why I could only like one color, even though I thought they were all beautiful.

I was in first grade, it was Valentine's Day..a boy came up to me and gave me a big chocolate heart,he told me he had a crush on me. I didn't know how to respond so I just smiled at him. When he left, I stuffed the chocolate in my backpack. Once  I got home, I took all my little candies and cards from school, you came over and asked who gave me the chocolate, I panicked and just said it was a friend, not mentioning the gender. But you knew it was a boy, and asked if he was my boyfriend, I quickly said no and put the chocolate in the kitchen, not eating it, or touching it. Because you, dear mother,  made it sound like receiving gifts from boys with small crushes on me, would be bad. But who knew that I would continue receiving their gifts?

I was 8 years old, coming home from a day in second grade. "Do you like boys or girls?" You would ask me, and I liked both.. "Girls-" you cut me off before I could say "and boys" ...."so you want to have a girlfriend?" You asked me, with a strange look on your face, making sound like it was a bad thing, so I responded with a soft "no"  you said that you wouldn't tell my dad anything, but I knew you would, I was young,but not stupid. So thinking it was wrong, I locked my feelings for girls away, trying to forget them completely. Because girls shouldn't like other girls.

As I got older  would always ask me if I had a crush on a boy or if I had a boyfriend, of course, my answer was always no.  Even if I did have a boyfriend, I knew you would yell or start a speech about how I shouldn't have a boyfriend, even though all we did was talk, we didn't do any human contact. I would always get crushes on my friends, thought they were pretty and just wanted to be with them, but I would stay quiet, didn't say anything, locked my feelings away, like you taught me.

All these girls around me would be getting their first kiss, or their 50th kiss, growing up too fast..Meanwhile, my lips remained untouched, afraid to grow up. I would always wonder how they were okay with growing up so fast, weren't they afraid?

In 6th grade, I accepted the fact that I liked boys and girls, but didn't know what to identify as, I would find both genders attractive, but I would also find people that transferred from one gender to another, or was both, or maybe was neither. 

I liked all the colors, not just blue, because to me, they were all beautiful.

And they still are.

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These are just some things that I've been wanting to tell my mom, but being way too afraid to tell her, locked them away, until now.
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I hope you enjoyed this.