my body is an apartment that i can barely afford because of the location.
an entire world of accessibilities in some multiple of my footsteps and for some reason i cant make it out of my front door.
I'm staring at the splintered wood in the frame where she slammed the door on the way out knowing the about the leaks in the roof.
I'm running out of buckets and I'm trying to remember that so many people want what i have.
that when i turn on my lights i become part of a skyline that people look at and envy that living here is a privilege.
no matter how much it looks like these walls want to crumble.
i pay my rent in late-night laughter with loved ones. purple pink sunrises on the way home, laced fingers that feel too tight to ever come undone.
but the price of existence grows higher every year.
with every lost friend. every tear shed. every fight where i cannot make amends.
every story i start to write cannot possibly imagine an end.
i earn less and less and my rent is late. until a letter comes in the mail, and says my rent has been paid.
i have a roommate now. or maybe i always have. someone who started out as the silhouette stranger on the other end of the bedroom.
my brain. i am living with depression. there is no other way to put it.
he puts my walls up and everyone else stays out.
he tells me he's the only one who can stand these cramped quarters.
he seems to be spreading out more and more every single week.
until theres no room left for anything that reminds me of me.
i cant find room to eat anymore.
and i don't feel like collecting more memories.
telling myself i only have room for the same old routine. you
i have a roommate and he makes my friends uncomfortable because when he's
around i don't say much of anything.
when he's around i keep my voice low don't want to make him angry. don't wanna hear what he's gonna say when they leave.
when he's around we spend all my time together. when he's around he's the only one with enough energy to answer my phone so i keep it shut off.
i don't want to know whether people will keep trying to call.
i try to leave. try to find other apartments. with.. different beds different drinks different drugs. different ANYTHING to forget that i have to stumble home to have to see him sitting in the living room.
hear his laughter all night. keeping me up.
i never want to leave my bed.
he. wants me. to move out.
i know he wants me to vacate these walls!
with no bags packed. i KNOW he wants my family and friends to forget my name only remember his!
i know! i can tell by the wallpaper he peels off!
by the thin big blue prints he draws in my skin!
his plans just make new blood lines!
i know he wants me to move out!!
sometimes... i do too
and.
I KNOW.
he's passed due on his rent.
he's the one leaving this time.
