IF I COULD LOVE ONCE MORE

FIRST AGAIN

There's nothing particularly different about it... Being involved in a same sex relationship, I mean. Yunho treated me like how anyone would their partner, I guess. I'm not that experienced but everything seemed normal. He would text me almost every morning and night. Sometimes he would even call but it wasn't often and our conversation never lasted more than 5 minutes. Mostly because I don't know what to say and he ran out of things to tell. Every weekend he'd ask me out for lunch or dinner, sometimes both, if he'd planned a date in between, and that's about it. I don't really know what to expect about our relationship, actually. Though I think it's kind of silly for me to have any expectation in the first place. After all, I just want to try love again.

And I don't feel like I regret it too much yet. Yunho's okay. He's good enough. Tolerable. Real. He cares.

For some reason, I began to anticipate our date. Those little things... Those simple things... They make me happy. As foolish as this might sound, they make me feels like I matter to him. He makes me feel important. Cherished. Noticed.

"Enough?"

Yunho's voice reminded me that it wasn't the time to daydream. We're having lunch first before we'll resume with the movie marathon. Supposedly it's called movie marathon because we'll watch one movie after another continuously until it's too much. It's something I never did before. It's not that I don't like watching movies. I do. I just rarely feel like doing it. That's all. I don't even like going to cinemas. If there's a movie that I feel like watching, I'll just download it and watch at home when I'm free. That's it.

I told Yunho, of course, so instead of going out for movies like his original plan, he decided on a movie marathon at home for our date today. This is actually the first time he invited me to his apartment. I'm sure I'm supposed to be paying attention to him for as long as I'm here.

Wait, what was he saying earlier?

Frowning, I looked at him and then at the half filled glass in front of me. Oh. He refilled it already. "Yes. Thank you."

He nodded, smiling like always, and proceeded to pour the carbonated drink into his own glass. He always do that, you know? Taking care of me first, him second. It's actually sweet. I think it's sweet.

You know, we're having pizza for lunch. I never had pizza for lunch before. It's too expensive for me. I'd rather made it myself if I ever feel like eating one. Though, actually, I usually skip lunch. I only eat for breakfast and dinner. Sometimes, I don't even have to eat dinner because I'm not hungry at all. But since Yunho kept trying to feed me earlier, I did managed to finish two slice. The taste was okay

"Hey, come back here to me."

Startled, my eyes widened and I looked up only to stare right at his gentle eyes. Surprised, I looked away. He's never angry even though I knew I spaced out a lot with him. To make matters worse, I still can't maintain eye contact with him even though we've been in this relationship for a few months. Thankfully, Yunho never seemed to bother much about my flaws.

Like always, he chuckled. Slowly, I found myself smiling too. He's a better man than expected. 

"So?"

My mind went blank for a while. What was the issue again?

"Still up for it?"

Oh. Only now did I realized he'd finished the rest of the pizza all by himself. So, back to the movie marathon now?

I bit my lips. Slowly, I shook my head. I'm always honest with him for some reason. Maybe because I don't want him to ever lie to me. That's why I never lied to him myself.

"You're bored?" He was frowning. Perhaps wondering where he's wrong and how to make up for it.

"My eyes hurt." I'm not whining, am I?

"Oh." He grinned. "Okay."

I smiled. I don't know why he's laughing but I like it whenever he's happy. His laughter always sounded a little odd, as if he's faking it, but he always laugh like that so I knew it's real. It's quite adorable, actually.

"You're so cute."

"Hmm?"

"Jae."

"Mmm."

Yunho kept quiet for a while. Curious, I glanced at him.

And I regret it.

He's too near!

"Yun...ho?" My voice squeaked as he came closer. What- Is he- He's going to kiss me!

"Jae."

He's only whispering but his voice echoed too loudly in my ears. I can even feel his lips occasionally brush against mine.

No wonder he looked so intimidating.

"Jae?"

"Hhh?"

"Can I kiss you?"

But why? All of a sudden? He never kiss me before.

I don't know why I did it. I just felt like my lips dried and out of habit, swiped my tongue over them. I did it unthinkungly and I only realized it a second too late when he groaned. He's desperately suckling my tongue right after and pulling it into his mouth and his lips pressed harder against mine and I'm lost.

My penis twitched while the rest of my body went slack.

I'm wrong. There's something different about it being involved in a same sex relationship.

It's too much. He's asking - demanding - and taking too much. It's the first time I feel dominated like this.

Conquered.

He's taking over me and I couldn't even close my eyes as I surrendered.