In The Company Of Monsters

Forgiveness

Jack walked into the main office. The room was empty, thankfully. His eyes fell on Lily’s desk, and the piles of folders and papers on it. Her life was radically simpler yesterday, before Victor came into it. Hell, all their lives were simpler before.

He crossed behind her desk and sat down, looking at the space where she spent so much time. A ceramic coffee mug sat off to the side, with a series of raised dots circling the middle. He trailed his fingers over them, feeling the rough pattern. Braille, obviously, but Jack had no idea what it said. He’d never considered how someone could read through touch. The raised pattern felt like a physical blur to him, and he wondered how she managed it. 

He closed his eyes and tried again, slowly. The first character was something like an ‘E’. The next one was... he couldn’t tell. He focused again, but opened his eyes when he heard someone approach.

Mitch was leading Lily into the office, and she found a chair to settle into. He saw Jack behind her desk, fidgeting with the mug and flashed a slight, weary grin. “She wants to talk you now.”

Jack set the mug down and came around the desk. Lily had obviously been crying, but her eyes looked normal now. The dead, milky-white orbs were now a really attractive blue that contrasted her blond hair nicely.

As Mitch stepped out, Jack crouched beside her. Her hands opened, inviting. He slid his cool hands into hers and she squeezed them. The warmth felt delicious.

“I put in my contacts,” she told him. “Not so scary now?”

Not scary at all, he thought. Despite what had happened, her unkempt hair and the emotion still on her face made her even prettier.

“Talk to me,” he said.

Lily sat still, her eyes cast down. She wanted to share, but the words stubbornly refused to flow. She focused her thoughts on how best to explain herself. When the answer passed her lips, she heard it for the first time herself.

“I don’t like being out of control.”

Jack raised an eyebrow. “Most don’t,” he answered.

She looked up at him. “Jack, my life is about control. When you want something across the room, you go get it. The world just lays itself out for you to navigate. I memorize every detail of my world, and play it back just to survive. Losing control means something very different to me.”

He thought about that. The tiny task of reading the Braille on her mug was insignificant to the challenges she faced everyday. To get through them, she’d need a very high level of control over herself.

“I guess we're similar that way,” he said.

She cocked her head, questioning. “Explain.”

Jack sat down crosslegged on the floor, and looked up at her. “I’ve been so drunk I've woken up in places I've never seen before.  There's a moment when you come to. Like waking up but you're still half asleep. And this thought bubbles up, 'It happened again. You did it again.' Scares the hell out of me.”

They sat in silence and Lily didn’t rush to respond. Finally, she nodded. “OK.”

He waited for her to say something more, but she was lost in thought and he didn’t want to interrupt. Her hands still held his, but had gone slack as her attention was elsewhere.

She took a deep breath. “Part of me was so angry,” she announced.

“At us?”

She was still distracted by the memory of hunting them.

“What?” she said. “No, not you...”

“What then?”

“I... was furious because I couldn't see any of you. I knew you were all scared of me. That's not something I've ever felt before. I was fierce. I liked it. A lot. And I wanted to see what it looked like, on your faces.”

“Should I apologize?” asked Jack.

“That sounds horrible, doesn't it? I know.”

She joined him on the floor, and leaned in, like sharing a secret. “But this completely new sensation. Like, I don't know... Eating chocolate for the very first time. I wanted more and more and more.”

He shook his head. “That wasn't you, Lily.”

“No, not entirely. But some of it. I know, I should feel more guilty. I should fall apart over it. But, God, it felt amazing.”

His eyes narrowed. “I won't be turning my back on you anymore.”

Lily smiled warmly, and touched his arm. “Don't misunderstand. I'm so happy I didn't hurt you or Mitch or...anyone. I don't want that. But...the little touch of fear I hear in your voices now? The respect? That I want.”