My Thoughts

July 22nd, 2016 1:39 AM

It's another one of those nights, where I can't sleep and there is a constant feeling as if my lungs are failing.

You may be wondering why I haven't gone to the doctor. It's because I am still able to breath, it just doesn't feel like normal breathing. It feels as if something is pushing down on my lungs. No, it doesn't hurt, but it does bother me.

This usually only happens when I start having anxiety, but right now, I don't have anything to be anxious about. That's what worries me, the fact that I get anxiety for nothing.

I need a therapist, or a psychologist. Somebody that will help me.

My sister says that I have anger issues, she right. She also says that I have social anxiety, bipolor, and depression. So who knows. All I know is that I need help.

Of course, I would never ask for help. Psychologists cost money, and I don't want my parents too spend money on something stupid.

I've gone most of my life without medication or therapists, I'll be fine. I just need to grow up.

Do you ever get the feeling that you're going to throw up, but you know that you won't. Like, your tongue forces itself to the roof of your mouth as if it's holding back something. I don't know, the first time that I felt that way was in first grade. I cried because I didn't want to throw up in front of my class, so they made me go home.

I hated that school.

My eyes sting, I've been crying a lot lately. I've probably had three panic attacks this week. All because I was afraid to go to volleyball wearing my new spandex shorts. I was afraid that people would think I was trying too hard.

It doesn't help that I probably weigh more than most of those girls, and I always get the feeling that they know that I don't belong, just like I know I don't belong.

Could you imagine? A fat girl making the volleyball team? Yeah right.

My mom and sister say that I have every right to be there, but I still feel as if I don't belong. I just want to be thin like the other girls. I'm trying so hard to lose weight, I started going to volleyball conditioning so that I could lose weight.

I hope it's working. I've started eating better too. In sure it doesn't help that most of the time I forget to eat. Getting overwhelmed in your thoughts does that to you.

I've also noticed that I've been really tired lately. But I'm only tired when I shouldn't be. It's like, no matter how much sleep I get, I'm still so tired.

I'm tired of being tired.