Broken heart of a warrior

Chapter 4

I couldn't sleep much that night. The mind is a powerful force. The day's events kept replaying through my mind. The moment of seeing my father again, his words, his voice, his presence left me rattled. I had almost lost it. It had been a long time since the beast gained that much control without me wanting it to. Every thought I had and every desire I had was flowing through me, pulling me in every direction—there was no escape. It was like a shadow that could not be removed. I had been trying all night to use skills I learned while at the Academy, but it still lingered in the back of my mind, in that hidden part where darkness lies. Jonathan had changed. Something had distorted him. Whatever it was left him stained and altered in his aura. If I was the reason for this change, that brought me some satisfaction—but he would suffer. He would suffer like I had. When the time was right, he would lose what he wanted so much to protect. The cost of this was to sacrifice me, his own flesh and blood.

I thought I knew the man who gave me life at one point, but I was sadly mistaken when I went to him. He betrayed me and sold me out... wait, what did he say... oh yeah... filthy dog. He sold me as a filthy dog to a filthy Academy where I was never to return from or survive.

A part of me was anxious. I could feel the emotion, something I wasn't too comfortable with. What would I do when I finally faced Alessandros again? Just the thought of him made my heart beat faster. I was never claimed, but he was my mate. Our souls and wolves were one. This was something nobody could change. No one would ever make me feel the same as him. I had tried many times to forget, even tried to fall in love with someone else, but nothing changed. Even Blade had tried to help me forget. Over the years, he had filled the emptiness—but not the hole, not the longing inside. We tended to each other's needs, but our relationship was more like friends with benefits.

Although I hadn't mated with Alessandros, I still felt bonded to him. There were many nights I cried out to the tundra for rescue, for release. I felt my heart being beaten and stabbed with such pain. We howled and screamed till my voice disappeared, till I became hollow inside. But I could not let go of our connection—it was part of me that was still there. I feared how I would respond when I saw him again. That year before I was sent away, Alessandros and I had spent together—it was a year full of love and pain. I had suffered because of him. All I did was believe in my mate, trust in him and our love. I was so in love with him that when he betrayed me, it was like having your heart torn from your chest while it still beat, feeling life drain with every thump. He was all I lived for; his love was everything to me. I loved him with all that I was—body and soul. I would even have sacrificed my life for his if needed. But in the end, I was not enough. He chose another, someone who took my rightful place beside him. He rejected me as his mate, his wife, the future mother of his children. He took all that away from me. Someday soon, he would realize that was the biggest mistake he ever made—and he would pay for it as well.

I couldn't explain how bad it hurt. Even after five years, it still hurt. It was what drove us insane. It was a pain beyond description, breaking you, sending you into the pits of Hell.

Damn this place!

At some point in the middle of the night, sleep consumed me while I finished having a self-pity party. I woke to the clock on my table going off and groaned. I slowly got up and went to the bathroom, knowing I had only slept for two hours, but I needed my meditation. There was no way I could make it through this day without taking time to regroup and deal with all the stress and madness inside me. The only way I could continue on this mission was with a clear mind, and for that, I needed to meditate often. If I didn't, the beast would take over, and I would not be able to contain it once the bloodlust surged.

So I dressed in yoga pants and a long-sleeved shirt, tied my hair up, and put on my sunglasses. I looked ridiculous—who goes to meditate with shades on before the sun rises? Definitely someone who had lost their mind—or completely stupid. I took a small blanket from the wardrobe and walked barefoot into the garden. Frost glittered on the grass, and a soft mist curled around the hedges. The cold air bit at my skin, but I welcomed it; it sharpened my senses.