Darkness (Phan)

~ Chapter 1 ~

The train station. That's where we first met irl, Phil and I. There had been a lot of people there, but no one like Phil. His big blue eyes, his cheerful smile, his straight, jet black hair, his way too pale skin and of course the fact that he was 6' tall made it hard for me not to notice him straight away.
Phil Lester, Philip Michael Lester. His name felt so good in my mouth.

"Hey Dan!" He yelled "I'm over here." I smiled a little. As if I didn't already know.
His facial expression changed from overly happy to confused. That's when I realised I hadn't moved at all, instead I just stood there, staring like an idiot.
I took ten long steps towards him with a smile on my lips. The confusion slowly left his face as I moved closer.

We were two feet away from each other and I had no idea what to do. Should I hug him? Should I shake his hand? Should I fistbump him? Do some weird handshake? Do nothing? Just say hi? Oh God, why was I so awkward? It had only been a few seconds, but it felt like hours.
Then Phil hugged me. It had been less than a second, but that "less than a second" hug made the butterflies in my belly fly around like crazy. It soon stopped, as I all of the sudden felt like I was being watched. I looked around. Nothing. It had happened before, me feeling like I was being watched, and even though no one was there, my fear grew. My eyes moved from wall to wall, trying to find signs that I wasn't crazy. As always, I found nothing. "That's because you are crazy you idiot, completely mental." A voice said. I looked around again, but the only person near me was Phil. PHIL. Oh no! I'm gonna mess everything up. "Like you always do. Who wants a bonkers friend? NO ONE, that's who!"

"Stop it!" I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy, I'm not...

"Stop what?" A familiar voice said. F*ck I had forgotten about Phil

"Nothing, I wasn't talking to you" nonono, don't say that. He would think you were crazy.

"It was a mosquito." He looked weird at me, like I had said something wrong. "It's October you dumbass" the voice said harshly. It was right. Dammit, I was listening to a voice in my head! Was I really mental?

"Did I say mosquito? I meant fly, a really annoying fly." I said fast. I cringed. I really sucked at this.
An awkward silence seemed to fill the train station and it felt like everyone was looking at me, including Phil.

"So, hey Phil" I said, giving him a little smile.

"Hey Dan" he sent me one of his heart melting smiles. Okay heart, calm down, I don't want a heart attack now. "Why not? No one would miss you anyway if you had one and died." I could feel the evilness in the voice. This one was different from the other one, it was evil, always trying to make me do stupid and dangerous things, always mocking me, driving me mental. Wait, never mind, I was already mental. I laughed sarcastically.

The blue eyed guy in front of me started looking sad and very confused. He thought I was laughing at HIM.

"I wasn't laughing at you, I just thought about something..funny." Now he looked even more confused.

"You laughed sarcastically of something funny???" Well, isn't this just going great.

"Umm...yeah...forget it. But I wasn't laughing at you, okay?" The people around me started laughing, at least, that's what it felt like. They called me stuff like stupid, crazy, weird...higher...higher...
I covered my ears with my hands and shut my eyes hardly, making my glabellar lines visible.

"Dan! What's wrong?!?" The voices stopped.

"My head, it just suddenly started to hurt a lot. But it's better now." I said, giving him a half smile. He stepped closer to me.

"Where does it hurt?" He asked. Oh God, he smelled so good. I wanted to smell that every day, but that was impossible, because he was straight. I wanted to be able to put my lips on his every day. Again, impossible.
Even if he was gay, or bi like me, he would never love me. Compared to him I was nothing. He was handsome, cute, lovely, perfect! I was the complete opposite. I was just another ugly teen boy. "Just kiss him already." No! Get out of my head!!! "But you want to, you want to feel his lips on yours. Just move a little closer..." It was true, I wanted to do it so bad, and just one tiny step...NO!

"Dan...?" I blinked, not knowing what was going on for a second. Then I realised. I had zoned out again. He probably thought I were a complete weirdo now. I mentally hit myself.

"Are you okay?" My eyes met his. He looked concerned and a little confused. I could just die. Now he thought something was wrong with me. Well, there were something wrong with me, but he didn't need to know that.

"Yeah, I'm fine, why?" I saw his glabellar lines get deeper.

"It's just, I called your name several time asking if you were okay, without you answering, you just stared blankly into the air." I smiled, even though I'd rather not.

"It's nothing, I'm fine. Let's get Starbucks" I said, sending him a big smile. He didn't look convinced at all, but decided to let it slide.

"Sure. I love Starbucks. Let's go!" He said a little too exited. I laughed and sent him a wide smile. This time a real one. He was so cute and squishy. "Just kiss him already" Get out of my head! "But you like him. If you don't do it now, you never will, especially when he finds out that you are completely bonkers."

My smile faded. Even though I'd rather not admit it, the voice was right. He couldn't find out about my 'problems'.