Eventually // hq!!

Eventually

Hinata could remember when he first realized he wasn't like the other boys. He remembers how on the first day of his fourth year in elementary school the other boys refused to play with him. He also remembers noticing the fact that he wore a skirt while they wore trousers.

He remembers the feeling as everything finally made sense. Why his mom was so against getting his hair cut short like the other boys. Or why he had been told that he had to wear a skirt and a huge bow. Hinata knew why he had to sit with his legs crossed instead of wide like he wanted. He remembers it almost as if it had been yesterday.

He remembers closing his eyes and putting his head on his desk and opening them, expecting to be a boy. The heavy weight on his chest from his developing breasts, and the churning feeling of his stomach were supposed to be gone. He was disappointed when he opened his eyes and he was still Hinata Taiki, the prettiest girl in his class.

He remembers his first day of gender dysphoria.

--
Hinata began to feel sick almost every day. He'd have an upset stomach, he'd be nauseous, and he'd have a headache. The thought of putting on a skirt could make him vomit, and his mother had no clue to what had been causing her child's sickness.

"Taiki, you need to get better," his mother told him and he cringed at the name. He hated the name, he had always hated that name. His name couldn't possibly be so feminine.
He threw up in the toilet, his mother rubbing his back in such a soothing manner. He felt like a liar, pretending to be her daughter. He wasn't a girl, but he could tell anyone that, because he didn't fully understand it himself.

"I'm really trying," he mumbled and he felt awful. That name had made him feel even worse. He was shaky and clammy, and he knew that his fever was only rising.

"Natsu is worried about her older sister," she said and Hinata threw up once again. The thought of Natsu seeing him as her older sister made him vomit and shake drastically.

He was curious to whether or not this had to deal with the fact that he thought he was a boy. He wondered if this would still be happening if he had been born a boy. Would he be happier if he was a real boy? Or was this a phase?

--
Hinata got better shortly after, but the stomach aches never really went away. He took some medication for it until everyone realized that it wasn't helping anymore. It made him shake and feel paranoid, as well as make him extremely anxious.

Now, he knows how to handle upset stomach, but not dysphoria days. He wasn't sure how to describe what his dysphoria days felt like, but the only word he could use was 'blah.' There were days where he found himself not particularly caring to what he was wearing or what other called him, because he knew that he was Hinata Shouyou and that he was a boy.

But there were also days where the idea of wearing anything remotely girly or being called by his birth name made him feel sick. It made him sick; an upset stomach and vomiting on the worse days. He always experienced slight gender dysphoria, but on the bad days were when his stomach really got upset.

There were times when he could compress the dysphoria down so much that he didn't care. He became void of emotion and nothing was the same to him. His excitement and smiles would diminish, and he'd be a broken boy who couldn't stand the sight of his own reflection. He wouldn't speak, and when he did it was bitter and extremely cold.

He really wanted the bad days to stop and to wake up as either a boy. Or wake up feeling as though he was meant to be a girl, as though he was Taiki.

--
The scissors in his hands were shaking, severely. As he stared in the mirror, he couldn't see himself, all he saw was her. It was always her that everyone saw, never him. It didn't matter if he didn't act like her, she was still the one everyone loved. Nobody loved Shouyou, they only loved Taiki.