end of an era

ain't life a bitch | 2

As she learned from her mama many years ago, a woman should keep her mouth closed and her legs open. She remembers being confused, as a seven-year-old can not grasp the concepts of intercourse, and it's interrelation to the internalized misogyny that spews out her mother's mouth like it belonged there.

To simplify, she didn't understand why a woman, would ever say that that was the limit of her body and mind, and so nonchalant. Like it belonged there. 

From that day on, it was a downward spiral into her sexual promiscuity. She learned very quickly that boys grow into men, and girls grow into mindless drones for fucking. Opening mouths and legs.

Growing up on its own was all the brainwashing she needed. 

"I need 3 strong boys to help me carry this" "You can't play football, you're a girl." "You hit like a girl." "Girls aren't good at math."

She learns the true meaning of, damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you sleep with a guy, he calls you a slut the next day, versus if you reject his notions, you're a pretentious bitch. If you wear a long skirt, you're a prude. Short skirt? Asking for it.

Growing up on its own was enough brainwashing she needed to know that her 'no' was never good enough. Not at 10 years old, not at 15, and certainly not now, at age 21. 

Each time she heard the endless reasons why it was her fault. Well maybe if you hadn't flirted with him. Because smiling is flirting, not basic manners. Well with that skirt, you were asking for it. Each time. What is asking for it? The third time she hears it, she loses it. 

"What in the hell is asking for it? Who asks' for someone to violate their body and ignore all pleas to stop? Who hurts someone that bad without a gun to their head? What the hell is wrong with you? Wearing leggings to class doesn't mean I want some disgusting man to slap my ass and tell me how hot I look."

Her soul begs for them to understand. She longs, just once, to hear "Shit, Alice, you're right. There is something wrong with our society and the way it assumes that women are men's property to use for their own personal measure and for getting off. We should put a stop to the sexualization of women who are doing things that aren't in anyway shape or form sexual."

Instead, they give out the aggressive reply of, "Jesus Christ, fuck is wrong with you? It must be that time of the month, huh? What a bitch."

She manages to find a balance between being the slut they love to fuck, and the girl they love to call a stuck-up bitch. She straightens her hair long, making sure it always remains past her shoulders. She keeps her weight under 130. She smiles, laughs at the same stupid jokes over and over again, she sleeps with them - catering to their sick fantasies that range between fucking her in a disgusting gas station bathroom, to her having to dress up like a 13-year-old Japanese school girl. It always different guys, different bars, different parties. 

It's been about 3 months since she started doing this, so far, 10 guys. The first time, it was an accident, giving her the inspiration for the rest of them. She wants to stop, knowing it is insane and that there something deeply wrong with her. But she can't stop. She feels like a living, breathing Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Her life a living murder drama of the classic, college student by day, serial killer by night.

She is too good at it. If anyone sees anything - suspects anything, there is a simple remedy. Spreading her legs, flirting and smiling, and as if her thighs leaked a formula for amnesia, they forget the crime, but remember her.

The first time, it wasn't like that.

It was 9pm, and she was trapped at a Halloween party she didn't want to go to. Her sister had dragged her along, forcing her into a scary, but sexy, hospital nurse outfit. She was utterly uncomfortable, feeling as though she was standing in nothing but her underwear and heels. Just as Alice had worked up the courage to go find her sister ( who had ditched her the second they arrived ) and tell her she was leaving, a stranger came and tapped her the shoulder.