waiting for spring

chapter six: lithium

What happened yesterday... was so magical. But at the same time, I wish it went differently. A boy I met this week holds my biggest secret and I hold his. I'm seeing him again later, when he gets back from work. I'm going to his house. I love Chris. I just wanna be with him all the time. I wish I could tell him that, though.
Liz moved back into her house last night. I sorta miss her here, I'm lonely when nobody's in the house. Aunt Bella's been at her boyfriend Ricks for days. Even though I was with Chris yesterday, I feel like it was a million years ago.
I actually try to look pretty for Chris today. Yesterday I looked like shit. Right now I'm putting on a little more makeup than usual. Dark eyeshadow and plum lipstick. And I'm gonna wear something a little less... you know, weird. I pull on a pair of leggings and a blue blouse.
I look in the mirror. Ugly. Why am I so ugly? I hate me. Why does Chris even like me? I have no talent, I'm not pretty and I'm suicidal. What is there to like?
• • • • •
He texts me:
Hey Grace can you meet me at the deli in 20?
No prob. I can't wait to see you❤️
Can't wait to see you too❤️
I love him.
I grab my boots and sweater and go outside. It's gonna snow later. Again. I just can't wait for spring.
Arriving at the deli, I see Chris waiting outside for me. He waves, then I wave. "Hey," I say.
"Hey." We start walking up the street. We walk close together. "How are you Grace?"
"I'm okay. How are you?"
"I'm alright." I look into his dark chocolate eyes and know that he's not, and I can tell he knows I'm just as bad. I feel his hand against mine and I take it. He looks at me and blushes. He squeezes my hand.
"Yo Chris!" I hear a short, punky kid yell from across the street. He lets go of my hand and flips up the hood of his sweatshirt, trying to ignore the boy. "Do you know him?" I ask quietly. He nods his head.
"C'mon, I don't want him near you." He says to me. I think he's worried. The kid crosses the street and says, "She got a nice ass, Chris! How many times did you two fuck?" He's drunk.
"Just go away, James." Chris replies calmly. I feel James get close to us. I turn around and suddenly, I recognize him. He's one of Liz's ex-boyfriends. He's always drunk. I stay really close to Chris. Something always happens with her boyfriends.
I feel him pinch my ass. I swiftly turn around and punch him in the nose. I didn't mean to hit him that hard but, he falls to the ground. Unconscious, but breathing. I look at Chris. He just looks at me, his eyes wide and his chin dropped. "Oops..." I say.
"Woah." Chris replies. At that moment, a woman comes out of the house in front of us, about to light a cigarette, when she sees James. "What the hell happened?!" She runs over to James, "What did you do to my son?!" Shit. It's his mom.
"Ma'am, I'm so sorry. I was just trying to protect myself, I didn't mean to hit him that hard. I'm so sorry!" I beg for mercy.
"What did he do this time," the woman asked.
"Umm..." I look at Chris. I don't want to tell his mother that he touched my butt.
"He touched her inappropriately, miss. We're so sorry that this happened." He explains. She shakes her head.
"It's alright. He deserved it. I'm sorry that he did that to you," she finished. We started to walk away, "And by the way, you throw a good punch, kid!" I smile.
We walk up the block. "You okay?" He puts his hand gently on my back. "Yeah, I'm alright. He didn't hurt me. What's his deal anyways?" Chris gives me the look that makes me regret asking.
"Well... there was a part about my life that I left out when I was talking to you..." He pauses.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, Chris."
"No I'm gonna tell you... Umm... ever since 5th grade, I-I got bullied. And James was one of the people who made fun of me."
"Why would anybody want to make fun of you? You're amazing Chris!"
"I guess I was just different... They were really mean." I put my hand on his back like he did to me. We just look at each other for a moment.
"This is my house." He stops in front of a small two-family house. "Be warned, my mother is going to ask you if you want food..." He tells me shyly with a smile on his face. I giggle. We go inside. He calls into the kitchen, "Hola Mommy. Mi amiga está aquí (Hi Mommy. My friend is here)." She kisses his head and his mom poked her head out the kitchen door and waved. I waved back and she said, "Mucho gusto! ¿Quieres algo de comer?" Shit. I really should've taken Spanish instead of French.
"Mom, English." Chris says.
"Oh! I'm sorry. It's nice to meet you, dear! Do you want anything to eat?" She says in broken English. Chris blushes.
"It's fine. Nice to meet you too! And no thank you," I try to say politely. She smiles. Chris has her eyes.
We go into his bedroom. I see an electric guitar and speakers in his dark blue painted room. I sit down on his bed with my back against the headboard. He looks over at me and smiles. "What?"
"It's nothing..." he says walking over to me.
"Pleeeeease tell meeee!!" I beg playfully. He blushes again. He looks me in the eyes and says, "I just can't get over how beautiful you are." I'm blushing now. Is he my boyfriend? No. He just wants to be friends. Fuck my life.
To relieve the awkwardness, I say, "You wanna listen to music or something?"
"Sure. Do you have a playlist or should I use mine?" I pull out my phone and open my music app. I show him my playlist, "Is this good enough for you?" I reply with a smirk. He looks over my playlist carefully and says, "This playlist fucking rocks!" He plugs it into his speakers and lowers the volume a bit. He sits down next to me. "So what's up?" I say.
"I'm still stunned that you knocked out James," he tells me, laughing. I start laughing too. A tall guy with brown hair barges into the room buttoning his plaid shirt and asks, "Do I look okay Christian? I'm going out with Cammy tonight." He says. Then he looks up at me. Them looks at Chris. Then back at me.
"Ever heard of knocking, Joey?"
"You never told me you had a girlfriend!" Joey says to Chris with a smile on his face.
"Wait--no. We're not... we're just-"
"We're just friends." I say. It doesn't feel good saying it but I do. We are just friends. Just. Friends.
"Oh... well don't have too much fun!" He winks at us and closes the door, but not all the way. Chris gets up to close the door. He's pretty embarrassed. I get up too, and I walk over to him. "Hey, it's okay..."
"Sorry about that. My brother can be an ass sometimes."
"It's alright." Lithium starts playing. He wraps his arms around me.
"So... are we really just friends?" He asks helplessly.
"I don't know, are we?" We look in each others eyes for a while. I hear Kurt Cobain's lyrics.
I'm so happy cuz today I found my friends, they're in my head. I'm so ugly, but that's okay cuz so are you, we broke our mirrors. Sunday mornings everyday for all I care, and I'm not scared. Light my candles in a daze cuz I found God... yeah...
Suddenly, a magnetic force just draws me toward Chris. Soon my lips meet his and I can't stop kissing him. He pulls me closer to him. I can't stop. He can't stop. I wrap my legs around his body and he gently pushes me against the wall, we kiss even more. I've never felt better. This is the best moment of my life. His lips find their way to my jawline and eventually my neck. It feels so good. An unexpected moan escapes me. I pull his face back to mine and kiss him more and more and more. I don't know if I'll be able to stop. We can't go all the way. Not now, at least. I feel his hands move further down my back. I try pulling up his shirt but I stop. I stop everything. I stopped the unstoppable. It's almost as if we paused time. I put my legs back on the floor and remove my lips from his. I touch his face and he loosens his grip of me. He's not smiling, I'm not smiling but we're just looking at each other. We look into each other's eyes and know that inside we're smiling. I want more but we can't now.
I wipe my lipstick off his face. His lips are swollen and I know mine are too my the way they feel. I'm just praying I don't have a hickey. Lithium ends. It's officially our song. Now I know, we're not just friends.
A new song starts. It's the Ramones. It's I Wanna be your Boyfriend. Chris puts his hands on my cheeks and looks at me and says, "I wanna be your boyfriend." I lightly kiss his lips.
"I'd love that."