alone

Loneliness- it consumes you like fire. You might think that you can water it down with people but people are only water drops. They do not put out the fire; they arouse it.

"Anjali! Anjali! Anjali!"

I woke up.

"Anjali! Your stupid alarm is ringing. Don't you need to make breakfast or something?"

I turned it of. He went back to sleep. I rubbed my eyes. It was 5:30 am. My insomnia was getting worse. Last night I didn't fall asleep until 2 am. It was humid. I felt sticky and gross, but the water was too cold to the touch. I did not want to shower in it, but what choice did I have. I stared at the water droplets on my skin. They gathered bit by bit but then slipped down. I remembered my old science classes- something about surface tension. Water is a mysterious substance. It is soft. You cannot describe exactly how it feels. It is different with each temperature. I would never be able to explain it to some alien. Water can be powerful even if it seems so gentle. It erodes mountains and giant rocks, but water gives you comfort. It can purify you and cleanse you out of your sins.

It was 7 am.

"Anjali, why haven't you poured in the hot water yet...? Anjali! The water is boiling over. What are you doing staring out off the window."

I suddenly awoke from my trance. I took the bucket out of his hands and poured the water in.

"Why are you so absent-minded lately? Honestly what do you need to think about this much?"

"Why do you always need hot water?" I murmured.

"Excuse me?"

"I always take cold showers. Can't you bathe in cold water for a change?"

"You know I feel cold in the mornings."

"So do I?"

"Yes, but you know how the saying goes. A woman should not enter the kitchen before taking a shower. That is unclean."

"What about a man?"

"Anjali, why do we need to argue over this? Is it such a big deal? Does it take that much effort for you to boil some water on the stove? Besides, men don't really need to enter the kitchen, so we don't need those rules."

I just stood there silently. Adithya was educated, but at times, he finds traditions more important. I can't blame him. He was raised that way, and I wasn't really different. But why do I always feel that I am missing out? Why does it seem like there should be more to life? Shouldn't I be happy? I am married and settled. My family will be complete soon. Won't it?

It was 8 am.

"Anju, are we really having bread and jam again?"

"You know that it's the easiest thing for me to make in the morning."

"Yes, but you can spend a little more time right? What if you wake up at 5 am instead?" I glared at him. "You'll still get enough sleep, but you'll have much more time to do things."

"Adithya, you don't have to wake up until 7. You don't see how hard it is."

"You go to bed much earlier than I do."

"But I don't fall asleep until much after you do."

"That's because your mind is always wandering, and you keep thinking about all these unnecessary things."

"Adithya, you know that I am pregnant right? I always feel fatigued."

He sighed. "You're right. I forgot, but it's not like you have to work or anything right? You can sleep more once I leave. In fact, why don't I invite my mother over to take care of you? That will make your day much easier."