A Rant

I'm Sorry

If you are ever one day unfortunate enough to come across this, I just want you to know that I'm sorry.

My values don't always match my actions. Which are spontaneous enough but serve as erroneous distractions from all natural reactions this world builds. And my heart is filled with no satisfaction for what I did. Mid-thought, it's obvious you sought a companion that had something for which they stood. You trusted me in a way nobody else would. Threw your hopes at me in a way, I thought nobody else could. And relied on me in a way that maybe nobody else should.

But what you saw in me I could never see in myself. I wanted you to be with someone else less tainted. Less habituated in the disappointments of the world. Cause, my girl as confident as I may seem the act I put on is little more than a forgotten dream. Success isn't for me, neither Is going forward, I mean I want these things but the realizations seem so absurd. And I don't mean to sandbag myself to say I'm not worth it. I'm just describing the mental state that severed our unfortunate fate into something so irate, that you probably never want to see my face.

But in case you're worried, I'm doing alright. Not as many sleepless nights and my family isn't having as many fights. But I'm the same as when I left you, or when you left me. It's hard to tell who did which and I doubt we'd ever agree. It's funny cause you know I've felt this pain before. Of someone so special to me just giving up choosing to ignore all that I thought could be. Maybe its give and take. Maybe its fate to be wounded and then nail somebody down using that same stake. I'd only take it back if I wasn't sure you were doing better.

Whatever the case is, I didn't make this to shame myself. If nothing else I just wanted you, or somebody to know, that I do think about you regardless of whether or not it shows. And I will make it in life doing something big , who knows? Maybe you'll be there with me, or maybe you'll see it unfold. I didn't try and hurt you to better myself alone. The decisions that I took were mainly to help you grow. And as I know, you don't need my help. The decisions you make or yours alone and nobody else. But the same can be said for me. Like I said before I doubt you'd ever agree but at the moment I just wasn't worth it. I saw all my flaws and I knew you didn't deserve it. So please just flourish to the best you can be, without you worrying about me. Because I'll be fine like everyone always says. And I know you will too, as your friend that I can at least attest.