The pain takes my life away

Once again I reach for my doll blade. I lay on my bed, thinking. "Why does it always have to happen to me?" "This is my last time. I promise" " I can't live like this anymore".

I lay there crying. Don't know what is going to happen to me next.

I look down at my wrist and see my old scars that aren't leaving my skin. They're there forever. Each scar has its own story.

As the tears fall down my face, I take the doll blade to my skin again. Watch the blood poor out from my wrist.

"I cut again"

My thoughts. Wondering what other people will say?

Will they even notice?

Will they even care?

Probably not. No one even knows im alive.

Im just a waste of skin.

A waste of a person.

I cant live like this anymore.

I dont want to be here.

I miss what it was like to be happy.

I miss my old friends.

I miss my old.... LIFE.

You can see the fear in my eyes. The pain that hides deep down inside me. Im not happy. I never will be. I never can be.

Deep down im broken. No one knows that. I cant trust anyone. No one can trust me. Im just broken, cant take the pain anymore. I just want to end it all.

I cut again.

Last night.

"Fuck life" on my leg.

The pain. It felt amazing. There wasnt even pain. It felt normal. I'm used to the pain. Its going to be a daily retune. Once a day kind of thing.

Thats the second writing I have craved into my skin.

"Pain" is on my left arm.

"Fuck life" on my left leg.

You don't even know the pain of what its like to live life.

To live my life.

You're scared to go anywheres. Scared to do anything. Pain aches in your mind, body, heart. Every wheres. Your mind trys to trick you into thinking about everything. Witch makes you cry about everything. You cant even go a day without over thinking and start crying.

Depression isnt something that comes out of no wheres. Its a illness. Its painful, you fear everything. You think you have to cut every night. You think that not eating is right. You think that your unwanted. You think about every little thing, and realize someone will always be better, skinnier, prettier, then you.

It's now normal for me to cry myself to sleep...

If I don't cry, I won't sleep. I over think on everything. I tell myself that my life is going to end. Maybe not today maybe not tomorrow. But I'm going to end it. I'm not living like this. There to much.

I hate people.

No one is normal.

No one understands me.

I don't understand me.

I don't understand life.

I don't understand why I am here.

I have to wear bracelets now, to hide the scares from my family and friends. I hide them. I don't want to seem like an attention seeker, cause I'm not.

I'm going to cut again. Again tonight, November 17th 2013.

It's a hobby.

It's my addiction.

I can't stop.

I never will.

Until I end it all.

Maybe I should stop trying.

Stop trying to be anything.

Being your friend.

Being your family.

Being someone that's just in the way.

It's seams that every time I actually try,

You always quit.

You never keep your promises.

You never make your promises happen.

You give up and forget that it happened.

Forget that I was ever here.

Forget that I was once your best friend.

So much for that.

It's like you pretend to be my friend for the things I have.

You say you're always there for me, but where were you when I needed you the most?

You try to be my friend, and anytime I ask to hangout, you don't make an effort to hangout.

You always cancel the day before and then you're with someone else.

So much for "best friends"

So much for even "friends"

Why should I be here?

Why should I be living?

Why should I be the one that always gets hurt because you don't care about me?

Why am I asking so many fucking questions?

But why does it matter to you?

It clearly doesn't.

I say I'm done.

I say it almost every day.

But I always come back to hurting myself over and over again. It's my fault. Everything is always my fault.

For once, I think I should be serous and just be done.

Because in done.

I'm done with being done.

I'm done saying I'm done all the time.

I'm done with getting hurt for always continuing.

Stupid me.

Thinking that you actually changed.

Maybe if you actually cared, I wouldn't be like this. You tell me I'm your everything. You never show it.

If you did,

Do you think I would of stopped cutting.

Stopped trying to over dose?

Stopped trying to kill myself?

You'd think..

You make me sooooo mad. You make me want to kill myself. You make me want to jump off a fucking bridge so I don't have to deal with you anymore. I'm finished with your bullshit,

I hope you're happy you made me like this.

If I killed myself would you even noticed I wasn't at school? I wasn't calling you? I wasn't on any social media sites anymore ?

My question is why did you bother to fuck up my life.

Why did you make me fall in love with you?

Only for you to tell me to kill myself & to just end everything.

Don't worry. Your wish is my command.

Ha. Goodbye...

Sorry that I'm ending it like this, but I'm fucking finished. The end. I'm done.

That's my suicide note. You won't even read it.. So why does it matter?