Swiveled Dreams

Chapter 2 - From Her Dreams

...and when you wake in the morning finding that you still lie in hell, lick your lips, spit on the flames and walk on through the fire.
- L.L. Musings

       

I bolted upright on the squeaking metal cot with my every thought in high definition. The blanket was twisted around my legs and my heart pounded against my ribs. Trembling, I pulled my knees up to my chest. I choked back a sob. It had seemed so real that waking up from the vivid dream threatened to pull me apart.

A cold draft touched my face through the small open sash window and I rubbed vigorously at my arms. He was there again. The image of a wolf had burned itself into my sleepy retinas. Moving unnaturally and prowling under the cover of darkness. That fragmented part of my brain would conjure him as a magical beast, but I felt him reach for me. I had woken up before I could feel his physical form, but I felt him there.

I wiped tiredly at the perspiration beading against my brows. Aside from my own loud breathing I couldn't hear any other noise from the bar. I checked the small watch around my wrist out of habit. Gingerly, I ran my fingers over the smooth round surface. I tapped the glass twice and scrutinized the unmoving hands. I felt my insides twitch painfully. It had belonged to my grandmother and had been stuck on ten to twelve since I had stolen it back, along with a few of my other personal belongings, from the psyche ward.

I didn't know when it had seized ticking. In the roughly two months I had been there it could have been anytime between being admitted and escaping. My sleeve fell back and I scratched anxiously at the exposed skin of my lower arm. I barely noticed the angry red lines and the few beads of blood as I aggravated the old scabs.

I stopped when a burning sensation shot through my arm and instead nibbled on my knuckles like a famished mouse. A militia of anxious tremors quaked through my body. It felt like I had aged a decade these last weeks. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to never wake up. I didn't understand why I always had the same dream, about the same man, the ending unchanged. Just that I would rather remain in that strange dream realm with him than return to the harsh reality that awaited me when I woke.

Kicking the blanket back the rest of the way, I pulled my socks up from where they had begun to slip from my toes during the night. The patched heels had twisted around to the bridges of my feet and I turned them back underfoot. I reached for my shoes and shivered from the cold. Constructing scenarios in my head wouldn't change a single thing about my life and it sure wouldn't dispel the nerves that were knotting up my stomach.

Silence lingered in the air as I pulled on my shoes and secured the laces. I expelled another anxious sigh and replaced it with a deep calming breath. Several of those later I dragged myself to the small ceramic basin decorated with an indistinguishable collage of thin hairline cracks. The old pipes protested loudly when I opened the single tap to the right and the water came sputtering through. When the stream was steady, I cupped my hands together and splashed the water on my face. I faltered briefly. It was cold, freezing.

Looking up in search of a towel, I caught my own reflection in the mirror and just wiped at the remaining droplets with the sleeves of my hoodie. The mirror was wall-mounted with a cheap plastic frame and the surface of the glass covered in greasy fingerprints and splotched black in places. My eyes roamed critically over every feature I saw mirrored there. For probably the thousandth time I wondered if it showed on my face. It's not like I howled at the moon or that the so-called voices in my head were getting any chattier. What did they see?

I combed the damp strands of hair from my face with my fingers working through the knots. I was pale and my eyes appeared to have sunken into my head. I cringed at my own image. Mental soundness wasn't exactly my top priority right now, surviving was. But I was buckling under the strain and it showed.