The Deniable Truth

The End

Trigger-rape, near the very end though so you can read up until that point if this triggers you
    
     Outside the Seattle cafe, the sky was gray with anger, the low growl that came from the clouds indicated rain, and lots of it. Inside, I turned away from the window taking a sip of the warm green tea, letting it slowly fall down my throat, savoring the warm relaxing feeling it gave me. I sighed, putting down the half full cup, it was time to finish the thesis for my psychology class. Why I took this class, I don't know, I was an art major, and in all honesty had no use for psych. Yet, here I am, alone on a storming fall night, writing about REM and its relation to sleep paralysis. The only other people in here are a couple of workers, and one very frustrated mother fussing over her small child, who screamed every time the sky released some thunder. As I begin typing another loud bang emits from the sky, causing the toddler to scream his little lungs out, distracting me completely from my almost finished work. Internally rolling my eyes, I finish my tea, pack my bag and begin to walk, I mean run, back to campus.

     As I approach my dorm room, soaking wet from the rain and exhausted from running, I notice my ex, Jason, standing in front of the door, arms crossed, his jaw tight, and his muscles, though lean, twitching with anger. I knew why he was here, I dumped him a few weeks ago and he was pissed, more than he should've been. Our relationship had been one of hate. We fought everyday for five months, why I stayed with him for so long I don't know. Maybe it was his threats to end his life, maybe it was him telling me I was insane and unlovable, maybe it was just pure fear of what he would and could do to my friends and I. He disagreed of course, every problem we had was in my mind as I was insane, I made things up. Granted I did stupid things, I made fake accounts to catch him cheating, I can admit now that it was childish and wrong, and that maybe I had a crazy moment. But, I wasn't crazy. I was a young 18 year old with undiagnosed anxiety, depression and ptsd. I had no means to seek help as I was living off of the small inheritance, which was what I was using to pay for college and food, I received after my parents' death. In fact, maybe my fragile state was what kept with him, he fed off of the pain, and pretended to take it away, only to bring it back. So, when I finally called him out on his bull and left him, well he lost his control, and as a narcissist and abuser, he couldn't have that. So here he was standing in front of my door, trying to intimidate me, to put the fear of God in me.

     I approached him, keeping my fear inside, I wasn't going to let him have the satisfaction of knowing I was scared. Once at my door, I attempted to put my key card in and walk past inside my room, that didn't happen. He sneered at me, his blue eyes glowing with hate, and boring into my fearful brown ones.
He spoke "You know Mickie, I thought about what you said, truly, I did, and I want us to try again, you and I, we didn't try very hard, and I'm ready to forgive you for the things you did, honestly."
Stammering I respond "The things I did Jason, the things I did, what about all the bull you did, the hitting, the name calling, the control you had over me and my social media, the not allowing me to see friends, wear makeup, or skirts, the treating me like I was your little puppet. I did stupid things I told you that when we broke up, I admitted to my screw ups and blamed them on me. But you, you blame everything you did wrong on me and not yourself, ha, nice try, really."

     With that I pushed past him, adrenaline pumping through me, unlocked my door went in and slammed and locked it shut. Later that night, after calming down, I finished my thesis and put it into my roommate Therese's back pack asking her to turn it in for me tomorrow, because I didn't want to go to class and see Jason.

     The next morning I got up at the normal time, 7:00, and went down to get some food while Therese, headed to the showers. I returned to the room shortly after Reese who was waiting for me to bring her a bagel. After eating, undressed I might add, Reese threw on a sweatshirt and some jeans and was off to class, telling me she'd come back after, as she had free time, to walk me to Art History. Not long after she left, and I emailed my psych professor, informing her I was ill and that Therese had my paper, I left to go shower. It was quiet, since most of the residents were either in class, or still sleeping because they had afternoon courses, so I took a longer than usually shower, letting the hot water cascade over me. After I was finished showering and washing I stepped out and wrapped a towel tightly around me. Since this floor was females only and my dorm was right across the hall, I didn't bother bringing a pair to change into, I now regret that. Just after I finished brushing my teeth I heard the door open, I was expecting the RA who probably wanted to see who was taking a shower at this time as its not usual, I was wrong. Trigger starts here-Jason stood there, smirking, laughing in a way. I was shocked, one, he should've been in psych, two, how did he get in here without the RA noticing. Slowly, yet menacingly, he stepped closer and closer to me, until eventually I had been backed into a wall. Before I could even scream one of his hands covered my mouth, while the other ripped the towel off. I started to quietly sob, as he undid his button and then his zipper, taking off his pants and exposing himself to me. He pushed himself onto me, forcing me even father into the wall, he rubbed himself against me, licked my neck. The sobbing became more like desperate screams, causing him to smash my head into the wall, I felt blood trickle down my neck, my vision began to go black around the edges, and before I could fully pass out, he thrust himself into me. He was rough, not that he was ever gentle with me or that he really ever asked me to have sex he just kind of coerced me into it, but this was painful. With each thrust he went faster and harder, as did my tears, and with each thrust my vision became darker and darker, until finally I was gone.