When I cut for the first time it was exhilarating.
I was lying on my bed, my mind running a million miles a second, my head pounding, my inner mind going out of control. 'Don't do this. Stop Nylissa. Just stop. Don't do this don't do it no no no stop no don't.' my inner voice yelling at me. My stomach was killing me, I felt nauseous. My body was closing in on me, the voice inside my head tempting me to go against what I knew was right.
Staring at my ceiling, I couldn't take it anymore. I jumped from my bed and paced to the bathroom in search for a simple cheap razor. 'Just one and never do it again. Promise Nylissa. Promise you won't do it again.' My inner thoughts forcing me to promise myself what I could and couldn't do anymore. Being stubborn, something inside me finally agreed to myself. 'Just one.'
Finding it, I brought it back to my room, finding something to drop onto it to break the holster that kept the blade in place. Taking about ten minutes or so, I finally got most of it to access my pure skin. I proceeded back to the bathroom as i made myself as comfortable as i could get on the edge of my bathtub, subconsciously punching myself in the face for what I was going through with. I stared at where the metal would come in contact in just a few short seconds. 'Hurry up.' my mind got the best of me as i nicked at my hip, leaving a small thin line turning from a shade of pink to red in a matter of seconds. Because the gash was so small, no blood seeped down my body. I went back for more. As I pressed down, moving the blade along my hip area, I noticed the pink forming once again. Still, sliding the blade not even a millimeter, I felt a burning sensation as I realized then what I was doing to my body.
I pulled the blade away, cursing under my breath as my mother was in the next room, her room, I made sure she didn't hear or see evidence of my doings. When I looked down, a small line, about the length of a baby's pinky nail was apparent on my slightly tanned skin. I wanted to make sure it was in a place no one would notice, as to why the cut was in such an odd place. Although the cut was small, the pain was overbearing as I've never felt that before, being performed from myself. I took multiple deep breathes, holding the last one in as I put the blade back to the skin attempting to continue the line I had started. The many long minutes had passed and I had barely gotten anywhere with what my main intention was. I decided to stop, getting in the shower. The blade was within my reach on the other side of the curtain. Eyeballing the blade, I snatched it back up, continuing to cut through that layer of innocent skin. From built up sweat, perspiration, and the humidity from the water, the small line of soapy substance on top of the blade holster made it hard to grip as it would slip out of my tight grip and stop the continuation of the cutting process. Frustrated, I pressed most of the blade down, rather than continuing with the sharp edge, and slightly moved it back and forth feeling a pain like no other. I finally got the cut to be just about over an inch, but by then the blood had mostly dried from the first contact with the blade. Feeling as though I deserved the pain, I went back, opening the wound, wincing in pain and utter disgust for what I have come to.
Getting out of the shower, I pat-dried the cut and continued on to get dressed as if nothing had happened. Lying back down on the bed, I pulled my garments to the side as I kept rubbing over and staring at what I've caused on my body.
'What have I come to? Is this really what I've done?' my head constantly running thoughts.
'I can't believe what I just did.' The blood had dried in an indescribable, ugly formation over and around the wound, but the look somehow fascinated me. I wanted more, but I promised myself I would only do it once and never again. I honestly don't think I can keep myself a promise so important.
'I need more.'
A.N.
Short chapter I know but I can finally update more! Hooray for that right?
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Much love, Ny
