Just Like Yesterday

1

Tonight's the night. Every breath out of my lungs feels heavy. My heart sinks further with each step. I'm relieved, yet terrified. My last night on earth. My last night living.

I'm in the kitchen, resting against the counter top. It's cool against my skin. I can't remember the last time I felt this calm. It's dark outside, and raindrops tap against the roof and windows. Calm. I close my eyes and breathe in the scent of rain and cinnamon. This time of year my mother is constantly baking, making home smell like everything warm you can think of. This afternoon it was cinnamon rolls, hence the smell.

I want to feel as if I need to stay alive for her. I really want to. I want to have hope. I don't want to feel like suicide is the only solution. Because the truth is that I don't want to die. I just want to slip out of existence as easily as I slipped into it. I want to melt away like chocolate in the sun. But that's impossible. So here I am, in the kitchen in nothing but a towel, tears sliding down my face as easily as the rain slides down the windows outside. I want to be gone.

I shower, scrubbing myself clean from all the thoughts that wash over me. But they never really leave. Music blares in the background, a track by a band that has saved my life more than once. There were nights when I swore to myself that I would finally tie that noose, swallow those pills, cut deeper with the blade. But knowing that Tyler Joseph was having the same thoughts as me, that he struggled like I did, helped me through nights like those. But tonight will be different. I know that as I hold onto every despairing word that pours out of the speaker, my silent tears mixing with the shower water. And as "Friend, Please" plays, I feel as if he's speaking directly to me. But words can't fix a hopeless heart.