friends and I

Paris's Thoughts

A/N ok this chapter isnt about my friend lol its just something i thought id shaare... enjoy :)

Age 13

hate.

thats all their was.

everywhere i looked i couldnt describe what was before me.

walking the school grounds was like walking through a room of mirrors, everyone you looked at looked at you as if you were mad.

which i am.

no one wants to even take the day of time to acknowledge my existance.

thats ok.

only four more years and im out i guess.

should i find friends? probably

can i find friends?...........no

judgement, dissapointment, pitty even, filled their eyes looking in my direction.

"i just want to go home" i thought, taking a step into my class.

i count down the minutes until i leave.

im failing, at finding friends, at maths, at english, at sport, at science.... at everything.

am i going to ask for help? no, im to stubborn, i dont want people  making me feel more dumb then i already am.

Age 14

i have friends.

are they real friends? not really.

do they exclude me? yeh.

do i learn to live with it? definately.

its better then nothing i guess.

im satisfied with my life, i have hopes and goals in life now.

i dream of a prince charming to sweep me off my feet.

i talk to much, but i dont talk at all.

not about what matters.

nobody can see the years left behind me by looking into my eyes.

i long for that friend who looks into my eyes and says;

"i know you need me"

i long for that friend who holds my hand through the tears and wont laugh it off.

but i DO have friends and thats what counts.

im still failing at everything. im still stubborn. im still unhealthy. im still looking into mirrors and thinking, of madness. im still to nervous and dumb....

but im also still ME.... and thats what matters most.

Age 15

i found them... those friends who make you smile at a joke that they told three days ago.

i dont know if they need me, but i know i need them.

that person who says;

"i know you need me" stuck by their word

and the person who held my hand through the tears and never laughed is with me too.

the stories i now keep and cherish from them i will  never lose.

nor will i lose those dreadful memories from atleast two years ago either.

i found my old journal of back in year 8.

it says "i sat alone in the corner" and "i dont know why people dont like me" but it never once says "im happy"

well now i am.

i am glorious.

i am beautiful.

i am talkative.

i am cheeky and bright.

i am everything i was then.

but i never saw it.

i dont dream of prince charming sweeping me away anymore because lets face it, its not like fairytales exist.

im still struggling at schoo.

so year 10 will be my last year of school.

its scary, crazy, psycotic even. i mean, who wants to start their life at 15!

ill be doing beauty therapy as well as makeup. its something to hide behind.

but something that will never change is;

im still failing. im still stubborn. im still looking into mirrors and thinking, im mad.... but you know what ive come to learn.............

all the best people are!