Four Days in Recovery

Chapter 7: The New Girl

Another staff member walked in the room. She said, "Hey, come with me."

I got up and walked beside her. She unlocked the door and we started walking down this pathway. She started staring at me. I looked at her and said, "Why are you staring at me like that?"

She said, "Girl, what did you say to get yourself in here? You don't belong here."

I laughed and said, "Trust me I know. I had no choice and that's why I'm here."

She said, "Who sent you?"

I looked at her and muffled, "My therapist."

"What did you do?"

I sighed. "I was thinking suicidal thoughts."

"I know you don't belong here."

She unlocked another door into the unit I would be staying in. We walked in and it was beyond freezing. I followed her behind a door and she said, "This is the dining area. You can sit here."

I sat down and she stood next to me and she still began to stare at me.

I said, "Why do you keep looking at me like that?"

She laughed and said, "Because I know you don't belong here. You need to pray. Every time something is going wrong in your life-pray. He is always there for you, I promise. You can even just call His name and He'll know why. My name is Lequisha. Let me show you your room."

We got up and walked down a hall. She said, "This is the girls side." We passed a bathroom and then my room was the first room passed the bathroom. "This is your room and this is your bed. Now follow me back to the dining area."

We walked back to the dining area, and I sat back down. Lequisha said, "I'll be right back." I saw her walk away.

I sat there cold and alone. Then another girl walked in and said, "So why are you here?"

I looked at her and said, "Personal reasons."

She nodded and said, "I'm here because I cut my arm."

I looked at her and felt her pain. I used to self-harm when I couldn't take things anymore. I knew how she felt, and I knew she was struggling with something that was out of her control. It was a terrible feeling, and I knew she felt lost.

I saw Lequisha walk back in and she said, "I talked to the nurse who is about to assess you. I told her that I know you don't belong here. She trusts my judgement, and it's rare that I say that. The last person who was here because they were suicidal was here for a day. I truly don't believe you belong here. Once I laid eyes on you, I knew you were different. I knew you didn't belong. I told her you just have bad anxiety that's all."

I smiled and said, "Thank you."

The nurse opened a door and said, "Nessie, come in so I can talk to you please."

I got up and walked in. I was told to sit at a table. She said, "I'm the nurse practitioner. I'm going to be doing a quick assessment on you. Do you know today's date?"

I nodded and said, "The fourth."

She said, "Why are you here?"

I said, "I was thinking suicidal thoughts."

"And have you tried to actually kill yourself?"

I really wish I could lie, but I knew she also had my paperwork. "Yes."

"And what did you try to do?"

"I tried to strangle myself."

"Was this your first attempt?"

I shook my head and said, "No, it was my second."

"When did this happen?"

"Sunday."

She looked at me and said, "Sunday? It's Thursday. Why are you here?"

I looked at her and said, "I really don't know. My therapist sent me. I'm fine in all honesty."

She said, "What happened? What went down when you tried to strangle yourself?"

I sighed and said, "My ex-boyfriend."

She looked at me and said, "Don't lose yourself over some boy please. Suicide is a very serious thing, especially since this was your second attempt. Forget him."

I looked at her and said, "I know. I really don't belong here."

She looked at me and said, "I know you don't. Keep in mind that I hear that all the time though."

When the assessment was over, I walked back to my room. I sat on my bed and started crying. Lequisha walked in and said, "Honey, why are you crying? Don't cry."

I looked up at her and said, "I really don't belong here. I don't. I just want to go home."

She said, "Come here."

I got up and she pulled me in for a hug. She said, "I know you don't belong here. I talked to the staff and I promise you I'm going to get you out of here."

I looked at her, tears streaming down my face, and I said, "You promise?"

She smiled and said, "I promise. Don't look sad okay? I know it's hard, but try your best to look happy. They watch everything. Now come on, it's dinner time."

I followed her out to the dining room and sat down. Everyone looked at me, and I just ignored them. They gave me a plastic box, and I opened it. It was ham, carrots, and Mac and cheese. I picked at my Mac and cheese and drank my water. When I was done, I closed my box and got up to go throw it away. A guy walked up to me and said, "Are you not going to eat your ham?"

I looked at him and said, "No, did you want it?"

He said, "Yes."

I opened the box back up and he took my ham and left. I went to go sit in the hangout area. Lequisha said if I hung out with the staff and joke around, they'll see I'm perfectly fine, so that's what I did.

Seven PM rolled around and the nurse told me I had a visitor. I knew it had to be my parents and my sister. Lequisha took me to the cafeteria where you go to hangout with your visitors. I walked out the unit and looked outside and saw my aunt. I immediately said, "Aunt Becky!" I ran up to her, gave her a hug, and started crying. Then I said, "I had no idea you were coming."

My aunt smiled and said, "Of course I would come."

I couldn't collect myself because I was so excited to see my aunt. We sat at a table in the back. She said, "We're all coming. The rest of them are stuck in traffic."

My aunt and I talked for a while. She held my hand, and I cried some more to her. I loved my aunt more than anything. She's always been there for me since I was a little girl, and I knew if I ever needed someone to talk to she would be there.

Thirty minutes passed by and I saw my parents, my sister, and brother walk in. I got even more excited to see more people I knew. I had no idea my brother was coming, and I was excited to see him. We all talked, and I missed my family more than anything. I wanted to come home terribly. I couldn't function being locked up.

Eight o' clock rolled around, and I had to say goodbye to my family. I didn't want them to leave. I hugged them all and told them I loved them. I became sad when I watched them all walk out. I felt like I was never going to see them again.

Lequisha walked me back to my unit, and it was time for medicine. I went in line to go take my medicine, and I didn't know what medicine they were going to give me. When it was my turn I walked behind the door, and the nurse said, "This is a sleeping pill to help you fall asleep your first night here. It's also for depression."

I took the pill and drank my water. Then she said, "I need to give you a TB test. It won't hurt, it's just a little needle." Then she pricked my arm, and when she was done, I gave her the cup and walked in my room. I started to get sleepy, and I couldn't keep my eyes opened. The sleeping pill worked in only two minutes, and I quickly took off my socks to go lay down. It was freezing, and I bundled up in my blankets. I closed my eyes and knocked out.