Breathe For Me

CHAPTER 3

GABRIEL

Katie and I had a standing tradition on every first of the school year. Before Mum woke up and noticed us gone, we would sneak out of our apartment and up to the roof of our building to watch the sunrise. It was Katie's idea. "To feel that one last piece of summer freedom," she always said. Sometimes, I would climb the gate that surrounds the roof and stare down at the pavement thirty five floors below. And every single time, I would get this bizarre urge to just jump. Not because I wanted to die, or hurt myself, or anything like that, but because I wanted to know what it was like to free fall. I've never actually jumped, but I imagine free-falling to feel something like what I'm feeling right now. This heart pounding, brain stopping, gut wrenching, knowing that what's happening at this moment can never be reversed.

To be honest, I never meant to put my name in the lottery. I went for Mum and Katie. I knew that Mum would never do it on her own for one of two reasons; One being that she didn't trust any Governmental promise, and two being that she worked three jobs and just wouldn't find the time. So I made my way over to the Office of International Shipment Registration just to feel as if I can actually do something about the impending sanction.

Having finished filling out the paperwork for Mum and Katie, I gave it to a heavyset woman sitting behind the registration desk. She took a glance at the papers over her awkwardly large glasses and began to chuckle. "Your name is Katie? Your Mum like the name so much she gave it to you, son?"

I wondered if the woman was joking, but the look on her face was dead serious. "No ma'am," I answered. "That's my sister's name."

"Well what's your name, son?" She persisted.

"My name is Gabriel, ma'am." I was going to be late for work if this conversation didn't end soon. "Is this the last of the paperwork?"

She stared at me for a few seconds, then turned back to her computer. "Just give me a moment Gabriel." I heard something come out of the printer under her desk. She got the paper from the printer and handed it to me. It was another application. "Fill one out for yourself," she said in a voice that left no room for argument. "I know you think that not filling one in will give your family more of a chance to win, but that's no excuse. Nothing is black and white in hard times like these and being that selfless is just stupid."

I blinked, surprised at her accuracy of my intent. Then I nodded, and took the paper from her. I never thought I would actually win. I never wanted out of this country as much as I wanted Mum and Katie out of this country. So I never saw leaving as something that would happen to me because I always saw it as happening to them.

After I won, Mum and Katie fought with me constantly in that one month between the notifications and the winner shipment. They refused to accept that I had no intention of leaving them. I finally agreed to go after Mum said that she would no longer consider me her son if I was "too damn vapid to refuse this gift from whoever in the universe cares about your bloody arse."

Following that argument, it was all about good-byes. Katie would randomly burst into tears and Mum would stare at me much too long to be comfortable. But even though I knew I should be feeling relieved, or at least slightly grateful to be granted this opportunity, I felt a certain apprehension settle into my bones.  I was certain that when  I left Mum and Katie, I would leave a part of me behind. And I was scared of what part of me I'd be left with.